Kasey Hitt, MDiv, CSD
  • Home
  • About
  • Offerings
    • Spiritual Direction
    • Dreamwork
    • Reiki
    • Silent Retreats
    • Groups & Seminars
  • Wisdom Tree Collective
    • Train to be a Spiritual Director >
      • Spiritual Direction Program Information
    • Retreats, Classes & Groups
    • Planting Trees
  • Schedule/Pay
  • Events
    • Sign up for E-news
    • Register & Pay for Events
  • Writing
    • Blog
    • Prayers
    • Liturgical Year >
      • Advent Audio Divina
      • Advent Guided Prayer
      • Longest Night Service
      • Lent
    • Video & Audio
    • Retreatants Only
  • More
    • What Others Are Saying
    • Spiritual Direction Disclosure Form
    • Reiki Client Information Form
    • Common Questions & Answers
    • Resources >
      • Quotes
      • Links
      • Recommended Reading
    • Privacy Policy
    • Contact

I Had a Blog I Was Going to Share...

8/24/2022

 
I had a blog I was going to share then decided not to...yet.

​As I read what I had written, my supervisor's wise words echoed in my head, "Sometimes a spiritual insight or experience is meant to nourish you for a while before you offer it to others. Given away too soon and it loses some of its potency for your own heart & soul."

So I decided to savor the experience and insight for now and share her words instead.

In this age of social media, "sharing" can become compulsive (those of us who teach have this tendency as well)!

​Here's some encouragement to savor a moment or insight without sharing a photo or post...yet.

When Familiar Images of God Bring No Comfort (Especially During Times of Chaos)

8/10/2022

 
​​I couldn’t go to sleep.

Spending time in a crowded hospital with a dear friend who was dying left me restless and lying awake looking for God in the dark and finding nothing.  
 
It was the proverbial last straw.  Too much.

“What the hell?!...Does God even exist?!” I bitterly thought in the emptiness.  The absurdity of being a spiritual director seemed to mock me in that moment.
 
Every image of God I ever held did nothing to comfort me and the absence of images and comfort left me in a place of nihilistic rage and deep sadness.

Even though I had read John of the Cross and Julian of Norwich by her hospital bed, recalling conversations we had enjoyed over the years about their (and our) experiences of love in the darkness, here I was struggling in my own dark night.

“What a waste of my life!  What a charade!” I thought as I recalled my life of being devoted to God and tending to the spiritual life, both mine and others, only to stare into the void of meaninglessness (and not for the first time). 

Furrowed brow, eyes squeezed shut, the rest of my body now as tense as my face, silently shouting—"Where is God in this chaos?”  “Why even ask?  Life is showing me there really is no God at all.”
 
After a while, somehow, something small slipped in through the tightness and whispered, “God IS Chaos.”
 
Before I could think, my brow and eyes started softening. 
 
My body noticed the truth before my brain could think about refuting what had just been spoken to me in the dark.

Then an image appeared in my mind’s eye—Kali. 

I couldn't remember much about her, only that she's the Hindu goddess of chaos and destruction leading to life.  Images of her can be quite disturbing (especially for those of us Westerners who don't know the symbolism) and here she was showing up in the stillness of night!  Later I would read that in Hinduism, she is the ultimate manifestation of Shakti, the primordial energy, the mother of all (watch this video for more).  Kali’s dark skin stands for this chaotic, life-birthing energy.
Picture
"Hearing ‘God IS Chaos’ and remembering the Hindu goddess, Kali…there was something strangely settling in that, and I was able to fall asleep,” I later texted a friend, a nurse experiencing burnout in a crowded hospital (she went on to write a piece of prose for her doctoral class assignment based on our text thread).
__________ 

The next morning, I walked outside in my pajamas.  The stifling heat, sticky humidity, and earsplitting cicadas continued the conversation— I was surrounded by the sound and sensations of chaos. 

I forced myself to sit in the discomfort.

​From that place I wondered if I had written anything down from the Icon-Writing Retreat my dear friend and I had attended together a couple of months earlier. 

I went inside, grabbed my journal, then returned to the front porch to find the dates of that weekend retreat. 
__________

In the first place, I had no time to go on that retreat.  Life had been exhausting and the thought of painting anything in that state added to my overwhelm.  In the second place, I wanted to spend time with my dear friend, knowing that stage 4 cancer was eventually going to rob us of time (by the way, Kali's name means both "darkness" and " force or fullness of time").  So I picked her up on a Friday morning in May and went. 
_________

There it was, May 13th-15th, along with a short entry for each day (the last one being, "I am so glad I went.").  I was grateful that I had written down a few things, even though they had been forgotten in the rush of life’s challenges.
 

I recalled how my friend and I sat side-by-side looking at the blank wood that our icons would be painted on and while she felt excitement, I felt dread.  How was I going to do this?! 

The instructor told us to fill our brushes with paint and then said, “Relax, because the first stroke when it comes to painting an icon is called The Chaos Stroke!” 

Immediately I softened and a hint of excitement even found its way inside my weary head.


The Chaos Stroke is named so because it represents the primordial energy at the beginning of Creation found in the first chapter of Genesis in the Hebrew Bible. 

Our spontaneous swirls and waves echoed the Spirit (or Wind or Breath) of God, moving over the surface of the deep, dark waters.  And like the Genesis account, step by step, day by day, things started appearing where before there was nothing but potential in the eye of the Beholder.

From the chaos within me, from the chaotic swirls on my wooden panel, emerged a rendering of Rublev’s Trinity from the 15th century!

PictureMy finished icon of Rublev's Trinity
I smiled sitting on the porch, in awe of the synchronicities…chaos, Kali, cicadas, a journal entry about the Chaos Stroke from an icon retreat attended with this friend whose impending death had ushered in another layer of chaos...    

Nothing had changed.  It still felt awful to know my friend was going to die (and she did, less than 24 hours later).  And the things that were a mess in my life, were still a mess.  Nothing had changed this, and yet… 

Being open to “God Is Chaos” had strangely allowed comfort and brought the awareness that God was also “With Me in Chaos.”  The latter recalls the message gifted us through the person of Jesus the Christ, who was called Emmanuel, God-with-us. 

Light began shining in my darkness once more.


Holding the paradox of "God Is Chaos" and "God With Us in Chaos," I remembered the expression that emerged on the face of the center figure, the Christ, in my friend’s painting of the Holy Trinity—we laughed and called him the “Mischievous Jesus.”  He knew something we did not...yet.
 

Even now, words fail to describe how, in darkness and in light, I keep being beckoned into the at-times-difficult, divine dance that Rublev painted years ago, his brush beginning with Chaos.

Picture
My friend, Linda, and me with our unfinished icons. We both finished them at home.

    Author

    Kasey is a scarf, ball and club juggling spiritual director just outside of Nashville, TN.  Play helps her Type-A, Enneagram 1 personality relax, creating space for poetry and other words to emerge. She also likes playing with theological ideas like perichoresis, and all the ways we're invited into this Triune dance.  

    Archives

    February 2023
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    April 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    March 2020
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016

    Categories

    All
    Advent
    Anger
    Animals
    Art
    Atonement
    Awareness Examen
    Beauty
    Body And Movement
    Body Of Christ
    Centering Prayer
    Children
    Community
    Conscious Breathing
    Conversation
    Creation
    Darkness
    Discernment
    Divine Feminine
    Dreams
    Easter
    Epiphany
    Faith Development
    Freedom
    Gratitude
    Holy Spirit
    Holy Week
    Image Of God
    Imagination
    Intercession
    Jesus
    Juggling
    Justice
    Lament
    Laying On Of Hands
    Lectio Divina
    Lent
    Liturgical Year
    Love
    Meditation
    New Year
    Pain
    Perfectionism
    Play
    Poetry
    Prayer
    Presence
    Saints & Mystics
    Scripture
    Shame
    Silence
    Spiritual Direction
    Spiritual Growth
    Spiritual Practices
    Suffering
    Surrender
    Thanksgiving
    Theology
    Vocation & Calling
    Wisdom
    Wisdom Tree Collective
    Worship Music

    RSS Feed

Schedule your own session or read What Others Are Saying!
Picture
Sign up for E-News
Picture

By clicking “Sign up for E-News” I consent to the collection and secure storage of this data as described in the Privacy Policy. The information provided on this form will be used to provide me with updates and marketing. I understand that I may modify or delete my data at any time.
  • Home
  • About
  • Offerings
    • Spiritual Direction
    • Dreamwork
    • Reiki
    • Silent Retreats
    • Groups & Seminars
  • Wisdom Tree Collective
    • Train to be a Spiritual Director >
      • Spiritual Direction Program Information
    • Retreats, Classes & Groups
    • Planting Trees
  • Schedule/Pay
  • Events
    • Sign up for E-news
    • Register & Pay for Events
  • Writing
    • Blog
    • Prayers
    • Liturgical Year >
      • Advent Audio Divina
      • Advent Guided Prayer
      • Longest Night Service
      • Lent
    • Video & Audio
    • Retreatants Only
  • More
    • What Others Are Saying
    • Spiritual Direction Disclosure Form
    • Reiki Client Information Form
    • Common Questions & Answers
    • Resources >
      • Quotes
      • Links
      • Recommended Reading
    • Privacy Policy
    • Contact