Totality & the Sheer Terror of Silent Retreats

A sample of eclipse art from my daughter's once in a lifetime Eclipse Birthday party!

Like a blazing sun your light shines...
my fears flee from your sight,
your fire consumes them.
​Psalm 21:9

Yesterday was my daughter's birthday.  
An eclipse-chasing friend of ours in Seattle has been reminding us of this epic birthday since we first announced we were moving to Tennessee. 

He's most certainly an eclipse prophet, for it absolutely lived up to all the hype he continually forecasted for 9 1/2 years!

Given it's the day after, you've already proclaimed, heard, or read the descriptions like unbelievable, beautiful, incredible,  amazing, epic...

And having a birthday fall on the eclipse was a once-in-a-life-time event.  But the scene I want to recall isn't about my daughter's "totality" cool birthday, but my 7-year-old son's experience of totality.  

During the partial eclipse we sat on our porch, watching my 11-year-old open some gifts and taking "moon bites" out of cucumber slices then checking the moon's progress to see who guessed correctly.  We also read Psalm 21 in Nan Merrill's Psalms for Praying.  We couldn't help but laugh as we read verse nine...perfect, even the Psalms were in alignment.

My son was super excited, describing how big of a bite the moon had taken out of the sun, checking NASA's website and announcing when we could see the sun's corona in Oregon. Then 7 minutes away from totality here in the Nashville-area, he melted down in absolute terror.  

With the shift in temperature and light, overwhelming fear descended upon him as he became aware that he was about to experience for himself what he had only read or talked about or experienced through the stories of others.  

Being in total darkness during the daytime and seeing the diamond ring effect in-person sank into his little mind.  He was nearly inconsolable as we all laid down on a blanket in our front yard to look up into the sky through eclipse glasses.  All of us were trying to pay attention to the moon while at the same time reassure him.  Even as he was being held tightly by his daddy, he was still yelling, "I'm scared, I'm scared!" as the sun and moon approached perfect alignment.

Then totality happened.  

We took off our glasses and gazed at a sight so other-worldly that we sat bolt upright.  At that very instant, his fears fled just like the Psalmist said they would!  

He then proceeded to melt down because after seeing it, he wanted more than a taste (just as the Psalmist said he would)! 

As a spiritual director, I witness a similar scene with silent retreats.  

People sign up for a silent retreat full of anticipation.  It is something unique they have never done before and in this culture it's also very rare (even among Christians).  They tell friends and family who laugh or scratch their heads not knowing why someone would pay to go be in silence!  

Then the day comes.  It's about to become real.

Some are nearly hyperventilating due to anxiety (that's no exaggeration). Getting ready to head into extended silence for the first time brings all kinds of fears to the surface.    

Yet at some point, as they slowly sink into the Silence, they begin to align with the Spirit of God within them (who has been there the whole time, holding them even as they've inwardly screamed, "I'm scared!  I'm scared!").  

Then totality happens.  
And this indescribable union with the Beloved sends their fears fleeing.  

At the end of the retreat, the very people who were so full of panic at the beginning are now in tears because they want the experience to last longer.  They find themselves fumbling to find the words to describe what their tears are already saying...that was epic.  

• Interested in a silent retreat?  No need to wait 7 years!  Check out the upcoming retreats.

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