For some of us, Christmas is not experienced as "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year."  

For all who find themselves in this place, my husband, Russ, and I have offered The Longest Night of the Year Service on or around the Winter Solstice.  A friend suggested it to us and after the first gathering in a small, country church over a decade ago, we knew it was something we wanted to continue. 

The service offers a safe space to acknowledge mixed feelings surrounding the holidays, to join together in lament and longing, and to simply step away from the rush of the season and breathe.  

Usually Russ offers only instrumental music during the short, 30 minute service but last year we offered the service via Zoom and he created a video with his only song with lyrics, "Some of Us," on his album, The Longest Night.   

Click on it below, listen and watch.  Perhaps there's an image or lyric that connects with your own lament and longing, something that speaks to your soul.

As to this year, we are offering the service online once again knowing more people can participate this way.  I invite you to join me and a handful of others from Wisdom Tree Collective and Friday Morning Centering Prayer as we allow instrumental music, art from local/regional artists, laments and longings from Scripture, and Creation's own rhythm to companion us in the dark.

Tuesday, December 21st
7:30-8:00pm CT

​Email me for the Zoom link.

Two people in my life are facing a terminal illness.  And here’s what else they have in common: gratitude. 
 
Every time I talk to them, whether a simple conversation or in spiritual direction, I am amazed at the depth of their gratefulness. 

Their faces light up. 

It is like their diagnoses gave them new eyes to see life.  And they are overwhelmed by the beauty right in front of them.  Even more so, they are overwhelmed by the peace of God inside of them.  The windows of their souls reflect it in such delightful ways. 
 
“Every day I wake up so happy!” one exclaimed to me (without a single relationship or situation changing in their life).
 
How is this possible? 
 
Much of it is pure gift.  Grace. 

And some of it, I am sure, is because both have done inner work in the years leading up to this moment. 
​
They learned how to listen deeply to God and how to listen deeply to others.  They entered into meditation and mindfulness.  They learned to play and be playful.  They sought out spiritual direction and a precious few others to accompany them along their inner journey. 
 
Now their outer journey reflects what they cultivated within.  Awe.  Humor.  Peace.  Kindness.  Joy.  (Just to name a few)
 
I am honored to be a witness.  They are teaching me a lot.
 
One of their gifts is reflected in the Sufi poet, Rumi's words, “I saw grief drinking a cup of sorrow and said to it, ‘Tastes sweet does it not?’ Grief confessed, ‘You’ve caught me and ruined my business. How can I sell sorrow when you know it’s a blessing?’”
 
If you have no idea how sorrow can be a blessing and if you do not wake up happy, maybe it is time for an inner journey of your own.  There is so much to be grateful for in this life.  

Choices can be difficult. 

Wanting to make the perfect one, I can struggle with “buyer’s remorse.”  It can be about a purchase or any decision I have made or need to make (especially if others are concerned). 
 
Did I take enough time to make the best choice?  What if I didn’t?  Was I right?  Was I wrong?  I will replay the options. 

​Especially if my choice does not please others, I will replay it even more.  Sometimes it can become compulsive, stuck on a loop in my brain.  We all have experienced the stress that comes from obsessive over-thinking. 
 
​Over the years, I have tried a variety of ways to “throw a stick in the spokes” and stop the constant thought-cycle.  The practice of Centering Prayer has been one thing that, gradually, has made a difference.
 
Centering Prayer can be a challenge as one gets to discover all the places the unruly mind wants to wander instead of stay in the present (it is certainly not interested if the present has feelings it doesn’t want to feel!).  As I have grown in acceptance of the brain’s (sometimes bizarre) escapades to do anything but feel reality and rest in God, I have grown in awareness of when I am joining its invitations to run away to the circus of compulsivity.
 
Here are two simple ways of returning home:

1. Whether in meditation or anytime one catches oneself in compulsive thinking, silently and gently say, “Thinking.”  Then as one’s focus detaches from the compulsive thought, silently and gently say, “Trusting.”  This may happen a number of times in a given period.  Notice how the shift feels in your body and mind.  Remember, this is not a reprimand of the mind (it’s simply doing what it does!) but a way of letting go of following it on well-worn paths that never lead to peace.  After practicing this in morning meditation and while on walks, I started becoming aware of it happening in my sleep!  Instead of waking me or keeping me awake, a deeper awareness reminds me even at night to let go and trust. 
2. When I am straining to figure things out, worried about the ramifications of a decision, caught in critique of self &/or others, or chronically dissatisfied or defensive, the moment I notice, I am offered an opportunity to shift gears and directions.  I do not have to continue trying so hard.  I do not have to keep going down circle road.  More thought is not going to solve the situation.  It is time to place the person or the issue in God’s hands.  No matter what kind of tangled mess or dark heaviness it presently looks and feels like, the Spirit of God knows how to hover over chaos and darkness and call forth life.  Once more, I am asked to let go and trust. 

 
The keys to both are patience and gentleness (two indicators or “fruits” of the Holy Spirit as described in Galatians 5:22-23). It may take a while, but with gentle persistence old compulsive paths will be less and less traveled.  And relief will rise with your every return to the pathways of peace.

Or maybe both.

Whatever length, from 90 minutes to 4 days, I always offer these words at the beginning of a silent retreat:  "Some of you have come here to rest, some to wrestle.  You will probably end up doing both and both are holy." 

Many people think the purpose of a retreat, especially a silent one, is to rest.  And that's true...but sometimes what brings rest doesn't feel like it at first. 

The pace of life can leave little time to slow down or stop for a while.  A silent retreat offers one an opportunity to do just that...there's nothing one has to do.  There is no food to prepare, no lawn or children to take care of, no work-related tasks that need to be done...ah freedom!  Slow walks, naps, sitting by a pond, taking time while eating, these can be a welcome change of pace.

But the pace of life can also leave little time to tend to feelings of grief and anger.  A silent retreat offers on an opportunity to do just that...there's plenty of space in your schedule to welcome what has not had time (or permission) to surface. 

For those who have been in survival-mode from one day to the next,  whatever the cause, a cleansing cry may bring the kind of rest most needed.  A prayer walk or talking to a spiritual director about one's anger rather than continuing to hold it in may bring the freedom most desired.  And where better to wrestle than a safe, quiet, and beautiful place of prayer?!  

One retreatant pointed out how the word "rest" is found within the word "wrestle."  Fascinating.  We do not need to fear wrestling, for within it we find rest! 

Is it time for you to come away to a quiet place by yourself to rest and wrestle? 

I've got an opportunity for you!  A couple of rooms have become available for October 28-31, at Saint Meinrad Archabbey in St. Meinrad, IN.   Scholarships are available.  Register here.   

"Make Me an Instrument of Your Peace" is this silent retreat's theme.  And peace may just begin with some wrestling!

I’ve grown weary of all the talk about the heart in contemplative prayer.
 
Sounds terrible, doesn’t it?! 
After all, the heart is the focal point of contemplative prayer! 

But after a while, my heart started getting angry, feeling the burden of such attention and expectation. 
 
Nineteenth century Russian mystic Theophan the Recluse said, “To pray is to descend with the mind into the heart, and there to stand before the face of the Lord, ever-present, all-seeing within you.” 

Teachers of prayer and contemplation, like Theophan the Recluse, have emphasized the heart and taught various ways of guiding us to pray from it.  I have learned and offered others various ways of integrating such prayer, especially through the imagination as we bring our attention to the heart. 
 
But I did not realize how much modernity was still operating under the surface. 
 
Contemplative prayer was such a welcome relief for me after prayer that emphasized the “head” with its words, whether thought or spoken.  With the latter, once one had invited Jesus into or given Jesus their heart, the focus was on knowing the right beliefs and acting accordingly.  All that was needed for prayer was found from the neck up (and the rest was not to be trusted!).   
 
This disconnect was not unexpected.  When modernity ushered in a time of dissecting in order to discover, the heart became associated with a particular organ in a particular location.  Where is the heart?  It’s in the chest, of course!  It’s job is to pump blood (and woe to the person who trusts any feelings associated with it!).        
 
The earliest Biblical people did not think of the heart (lev) in this way. 
 
The “heart” of a person referred to the “seat of all of life.”  When told to “love God with all of your heart,” this included one’s mind, soul, and strength.  For the ancient people, the heart was the whole of a person—feelings, thinking, understanding, will, and wisdom.  Since the heart was the center of one’s existence (physically, mentally, and emotionally), to love God with one’s heart was to allow God to be at the center of one’s whole self (body, mind, and soul). 
 
What is at our center directs our life.  Tapping into and resting in that center with God is the playground of contemplative prayer.
 
However, modernity broke up this inherent unity to study and evaluate the diversity of the parts and it elevated the mind above all else.  Contemplative prayer with its emphasis on the heart, invited the mind to descend from it's place of self-sufficiency and recover humility.   But, if modernity is still the framework, the draw is to elevate one part over the others, this time placing the heart on a pedestal rather than locating it within the whole.     
  
During a time of meditation with a Buddhist, I was not guided to focus on my heart, but to discover any place of openness or peace within.  Hearing her words offered me an unexpected ah-ha moment!  I immediately was transported back to the Hebraic view of the heart.  As I listened to the whole of my body and not just one part, I discovered the burden on my heart and tension in my chest began to dissipate.  (Last week I mentioned this inner co-dependency with the heart.)
 
I chuckled as I noticed the openness was in my face, particularly my cheeks.  Another time the openness was in my gut, still another behind my eyes. 

All of these places were open to God but I was unable to see them for my inner eyes were focused on one place!  So much wisdom just waiting to be discovered.   
 
When God infuses all of oneself, all of oneself is a channel to experience God.  The heart is found everywhere, not simply in one physical location. 
 
Where am I best able to listen to the heart of God today?  I notice an openness in my hands.  Through my hands, the heart of God has something to say to the heart of me.  Through my hands I listen and offer a prayer.       

​There are those poems and prayers that one returns to again and again.  This is one of those for me.  Patient Trust was written by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, a Jesuit biologist, philosopher, and paleontologist. 

Paleontology is the study of ancient life and its changes through the fossil record.  Fossils take  a long time to form.  The processes Chardin observed in nature, he also observed in the soul.  Let's not forget that we, too, are part of nature!  And the Earth has wisdom to share with us who are often hurried and harried.  

Patient Trust

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
             to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
             unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress
             that it is made by passing through
             some stages of instability--
             and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.
             your ideas mature gradually—let them grow,
             let them shape themselves without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
             as though you could be today what time
             (that is to say, grace and circumstances
             acting on your own good will)
             will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
            gradually forming within you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
            that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
           in suspense and incomplete.

-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, 1881-1955, French Jesuit, paleontologist, biologist,
and philosopher. Found in Hearts on Fire: Praying with Jesuits, p. 102-103.

________________________________

• Read through the poem-prayer 2-3 times.
• What word or phrase sticks out to you?
• Reflect on and "rest with" that word/phrase for a few moments (or throughout your day).  How does it speak to life right now? What is God's invitation to you through that word or phrase?

Live with this poem-prayer for an extended amount of time.  Notice if you are drawn to the same word or phrase or different ones.  What is Patient Trust's impact on you? Do you detect any soul shifts (even if subtle)?  

What happens if you simply can’t receive the gift that’s being offered to you?
 
During a guided prayer with my kids, I had them imagine being a follower of John the Baptist when Jesus shows up on the scene. 

Out of curiosity and heeding John’s words that this is the One who is mightier than he, baptizing and gifting people with the Holy Spirit, they follow. 

​Then Jesus turns and makes eye contact and asks, “What do you want?  What is your heart’s desire?” 
 
We paused in silence.  Then we took a moment to share our answers.

"I don't know," said my 5th grader, "It's hard for me to think if it's a want or a need."   
"Okay, consider what your heart's biggest need or desire is for this week," I replied.
 
Interestingly enough, my kids both answered the same, “Confidence.”
They went on to share stories of where they felt a lack of confidence, especially with the start of school.
 
I had them close their eyes again and imagine answering Jesus, asking him for confidence and allowing him to respond.
 
My 10th grader shared how Jesus’ response was, “It’s a process.”
She let the scene unfold and replied to him, “I don’t want to have to try hard to be confident, it’s exhausting.”
Answered Jesus, “Maybe trying hard is the problem.”
 
This made her smile.  She was curious as to what it might look like to not try so hard to be confident but simply allow the confidence already in her to be, to surface.
 
My son said, “I couldn’t receive it.” 
I asked him to say a little more.  “I couldn’t take it in, I just couldn’t.”
 
When asked why, he had no idea.  However, when asked, “What is part of you afraid will happen if you receive it?”  (Remember, another part of him wanted and desired confidence.)
He responded, “If I take it in, I’m afraid I’ll take too much.”

This part had a fear that being confident would make him arrogant.  
It helped to  discuss the difference between the two by thinking of baseball players who exude confidence without arrogance. 

We went onto acknowledge that sometimes we have no control over how others perceive us.  Sometimes we have to let them think what they’re going to think.  Unfortunately some may see arrogance where there is simply confidence.  What matters is what is in our hearts.    
 
Once again, the words spoken to my children by Jesus, spoke to me.  Perhaps they speak to you, too.
 
How would you answer Jesus’ question? 
 
Now close your eyes and imagine Jesus’ response (but don’t try too hard!). 
 
Perhaps the gift you are looking for is already within you!  Or if you find yourself struggling to receive the gift being offered, you just might ask, “What is part of me afraid will happen if I receive it?”  

Feeling stuck with a looming decision? 

Stuck in or overwhelmed with a feeling? 

Curious to discover the wisdom in your nighttime dream (perhaps about your looming decision!)? 

Or maybe you resonate with my daughter who recently said, "I just can't do words or thinking right now."

No matter how old you are, it's time to get out the playdough!  (or clay or Model Magic, your choice) 

And no, you do not have to be an artistic type of person!  Let that inner kid of yours who knows how to squish, twist, pull, flatten, bend, and roll grab a handful of playdough.

Now pick one of these 3 practices and see what happens: 
Awareness Examen with Playdough
Notice what literally and figuratively emerges as you enter into this 16th century prayerful review of your day or week. 

1. Hold your lump of playdough or clay in your hands (you might hold it close to your heart) as a prayer of openness to God and to God's wisdom within you.
2. Looking over your day or week, when have you experienced heaviness, darkness, being stuck or blocked? How would you image that moment?  Begin to move and shape the playdough in response to the feelings &/or image.  Your eyes can be open or closed. 
3. When you are ready, stop, and let your creation "speak."  What did you notice in the process? What meanings, feelings, connections stir through your shape/image?
4. Either mash and roll it up into a ball or take another handful of playdough or clay.
5. What moment felt light, flowing, open, or effortless today or this week?  How would you image that moment?  Begin to move and shape the playdough in response to the feelings &/or image. 
6. After a bit of time in the silence, stop and let your creation "speak."  Again, notice what you felt in the process. What meanings, feelings, connections are stirring (or being stirred up) through your creation?
7. How do the two images "dance"?  Does the heavy speak to the light (or vice versa)? What wisdom is being offered to you?  Give thanks for whatever you receive.

Moving Through Feelings with Playdough
Rather than trying hard to let go, discover what happens when you move through your emotions.

1. Decide to set a timer or "go with the flow."  
2. Connect with whatever feeling you are stuck in and begin moving the playdough in response (as slow or quickly as you desire).   -Or-  If you are feeling numb, just begin moving the playdough however it feels natural for you to do so.  Maybe you form a shape or simply continue to mold & move, whichever is fine.  
3. After the timer goes off or you come to a natural stopping place, spend a few moments reflecting on the experience.  Compare how you feel now to when you first started.  Looking at your playdough, what do you notice?  Is there an invitation being offered to you through the image &/or process?  You might let it shape your prayer &/or journaling.

Sculpt a Dream Image
Dream images are often metaphors and symbols of different parts of ourselves/our lives.  They offer us wisdom for waking life as we tend to them.

1. Pick an image you are curious about, afraid of, or desire to know more about from your nighttime dream.  Then sculpt it!  If using white clay, you might add color with markers or gel pens or paint it after it dries. 
2. After sculpting, consider how the sculpture reflects your dream image (how is it similar or different?).  What additional information does it hold for you?  What did you notice about yourself during the creative process?
3. Set it in a place where you will see it often, allowing for deeper insight as you continue to rest your gaze and awareness on it throughout the day.

Who knew playdough could be part of our spiritual practice and way of discernment?!  Playdough is not just for kids!  Actually, it's for all of us kids at heart who often get stuck in our heads yet are open to the creative, childlike ways the Spirit offers freedom and wisdom.  

Spiritual practices, like meditation and even church-going, can become spiritual bypass—ways of bypassing reality both outside and inside of us, dissociating from wounds within and without, ignoring the healing work that needs to be done in our inner and outer world. 

But spiritual practices can also be vehicles for transformation of both ourselves and our world.
 
How?—by giving us new ways of seeing and being (which is the whole point of authentic spiritual practice). 
 
Let’s take a look at a few practices... 
  
Conscious Breathing: With as little as 10 slow, complete exhales and 10 full, relaxed inhales, we can calm the fight, flight, freeze survival impulse, allowing us to move from a reactive, closed off, defensive place to a receptive, open, deeper place.

Centering Prayer: Through daily practice of 20 minutes of silent surrendering to God’s presence & action, we let go of our ego-drivenness and receive inner healing of compulsions and soul wounds.  Not only does this bring personal freedom but it releases us from projecting our compulsions and wounds on others and passing them down to our children.

Lectio Divina: Spiritual reading allows a word or phrase in a small portion of inspired text, whether sacred Scriptures like the Psalms or a poem, to speak to us. Rather than bringing what we already know or studying it, we allow the text to study us!  As we bring our story, our lives, to it, we humbly listen for the wisdom and guidance being offered (which may be encouragement to see a counselor or write a letter to your senator!).     

Awareness Examen: Looking over our lives at the end of the day through the eyes of God helps us become aware of God’s life-giving presence and action (and the times throughout the day when we were unaware or resistant).  The patterns of what is life-giving and life-draining help us discern who we are and what we are to offer this world.

Silent Retreats: Extended time in silence and solitude creates space for our souls to rest and play which opens us to better hear the “still, small voice” which may be drowned out by the external noise of daily life or the internal noise of comparing ourselves to others.
 
There are so many practices I could list here but the point isn’t the practice itself, it’s the “fruit.”

Seated meditation may not fit you.  You may desire some kind of moving meditation, like dance or qigong.  Or you may prefer to spend time in nature or doing art. 

What practices have you found that cultivate love in you?  What helps you have eyes to see and tend to the suffering both inside yourself and in others?  Which ways of wisdom help you discern what is yours to offer this world (not out of compulsion but compassion)?  A Spiritual Director can companion you on this journey of discovery of spiritual practices.
 
But remember, it’s not necessarily the practices, it’s the humans who are transformed by these practices, that this world needs.  What do spiritual practices like Centering Prayer offer a hurting world?—YOU!

While they may share silence and look the same on the outside, join me in taking a look on the inside…
 
Different forms of meditation offer the practitioner different gifts depending on their focus.  Some of these forms and gifts are mindfulness, movement, awareness, breathing, insight, chakra-opening, loving-kindness, relaxation, guided, calming, and creativity. 

As one who meditates, I appreciate and practice a variety of methods and even combine some, but I call Centering Prayer my main practice.  However, many do not understand how Centering Prayer offers anything different from other forms of meditation.
 
Centering Prayer was developed by Trappist monks, Fathers William Meninger, Basil Pennington and Thomas Keating, to help bring the ancient practice of contemplative prayer within the Christian tradition to people outside the monastery—which is most of us! 

Inspired by early Christian contemplatives and the medieval text, The Cloud of Unknowing, their process—20 minutes of silence once or twice a day—allows the power of and presence in Silence to be accessed by those of us who live in the “world of words.”
 
This prayer’s nickname, the "Prayer of Consent," reveals how it differs from other forms of meditation.  Rather than focusing solely on being present to sounds and sensations or giving the ego mind something to do like count, follow our breath, or say a mantra, Centering Prayer’s sole focus is surrendering.  We consent to the presence and action of God within us.
 
During the 20 minutes of sitting comfortably, but alert, with head up and eyes closed (or with a resting gaze toward the floor), we introduce a “sacred word” as a symbol of our intention to consent.  This can be a word like “Peace,” “Jesus,” or “Love.” 

Whenever we become aware of our mind being engaged with thoughts (no matter how interesting or enlightening!), we simply and gently say our sacred word.  We come back to surrendering all—every plan, worry, person, to-do list, dream, ah-ha, observation, insight…you get the idea.  We let go of everyone and everything, trusting God with and for all.   
 
Given the focus is learning to trust God, it does not matter how many times we catch ourselves wandering and returning.  Every instance is an opportunity to “come home” and trust the Beloved with each.  Some days we will find ourselves saying our sacred word quite often, for we may have more weighing on our hearts, minds, and bodies than other days. 
 
Notice how relational Centering Prayer is! 
It can certainly expose an unhealthy image of God which may be why a part of us rightly refuses to surrender!  To explore that being a possibility rather than the normal ego tantrum of giving up control, go here.
 
How we enter into Centering Prayer can help us consent. 
We see a model for this powerful and humble consent in Jesus, especially in the Garden of Gethsemane after asking to be spared from suffering but willing to surrender anyway.  His deep trust in the Heart of God leads him to say what he taught his disciples to pray, “Thy will be done.” 

Jesus’ response echoes the words of his mother, Mary, after being told she would bear the Messiah.  To this overwhelming and possibly dangerous news, she says to the angel bringing her the announcement, “Let it be done unto me according to Your Word.”  Perhaps Jesus learned his prayer of surrender from her! 
 
Every time we enter into Centering Prayer, we join Mary and Jesus in this powerful, humble, and holy consent.  For twenty minutes, we practice releasing our grasp on our plans, desires, abilities, and attachments. 

After coming to an end of our own words in prayerful petition, no matter how a situation may look to us (and others) on the outside, we trust in the presence and work of the One who dwells in secret on the inside. 
 
Try this:

• Notice what is weighing on you in this moment.  Whether news you’ve just received or a long-term burden, bring it to mind or write it down. 

 

• Say a simple sentence to walk you into surrender. “Thy will be done.”  “Let it be done unto me according to Your Word.”  “I surrender all to You.”  “I entrust all into Your Heart.”  “I release my grasp and rest in Your presence.”

 

• Surrender by sitting in Silence for up to 20 minutes.* 

 

• Slowly come out of your time of Silence and offer a simple prayer to end.  “Let me embody Your Love today.” “I am Yours.”  “Thank You.”  Or, literally open your hands as a prayer symbolizing letting go and receiving the gift of the day. 

 
*Contemplative Outreach offers an app with a timer and ways to enter into and end your time of Centering Prayer.  And no matter what level of experience you have, you are always welcome to join me for communal Centering Prayer every Friday morning from 9:00 AM- 10:00 AM (Central Time Zone). Contact me for the Zoom link.