Honestly, I really don't. 

​As a Spiritual Director, I'm listening and looking for life.  

​For some this looks like a daily time set aside for reading Scripture and praying with words (whether silently, written, or spoken).  This can be a very grounding and growing time. 

Or it can be a burdensome box on the spiritual checklist marked by guilt-if-I-don't-do-it. 

Even worse, it can be a time to grow the ego (rather than the mind of Christ). 
Reading the Bible and memorizing Scriptures are not a guarantee that one is on the path of and toward Life.  Some things may have the appearance of life but underneath we find superstition or pride in disguise.    

However Spirit is in the process of utterly transforming our hearts (which impacts the lenses through which we see the world, including Scripture), that is what I am looking and listening for when I sit with a person in Spiritual Direction. 

Let me give an example:
One person felt guilty because they did not want to do a one-year-Bible study initiated by their peers.  I affirmed their resistance which was telling them the truth--should they say "yes" out of obligation, they would only grow resentment, not life, in their relationship with God and others.

As I continued to listen, it became clear that this person would step out of their particular compulsions and into a deeper place the more they spent time in Nature (God's first revelation) and working with wood.  Nature and Beauty were of utmost importance in growing in Love and Life.  Their year would be better spent outside and in their workshop.       

There is no one-size-fits-all contrary to what you may have heard as a child, young adult, or a newbie to tending to the spiritual life.  

Having regular, uninterrupted time on the couch with a cat or dog or sharing a peaceful and delicious meal with one's partner, both are life-giving, love-growing practices. Others may find that silent meditation or reflecting on a poem expands their soul.  Working with a dream from the night before, puzzling over a vision, wrestling with a spiritual question, painting, gardening, playing with children...the possibilities for spiritual practice and experience are endless because God is endless. 

It also does not have to be either-or when it comes to spiritual practice...either I read the Bible or I spend time in Nature.  You might read the Bible in Nature.  Spending time in Nature may give you new eyes with which to see the Bible when you do read it next (or you might discuss different ways to read Sacred Scripture with your Spiritual Director).    

So how do you know if your "daily quiet time" or spiritual practice is life-giving and growing?
 
Reflect on the practice after you've engaged it for a length of time, at least a month.  Any given day can feel like a slog and the fruit of the practice may show up outside of the time itself!  For instance, after time in Nature, you may be calmer, less reactive, and more patient with others.

Here are some questions to discover the fruit your practice is bearing (or not):

•  Are you more centered and present rather than scattered and overstimulated? 
• Do you find your heart is being softened toward yourself and others?
• Are you seeing situations, people, and things in a different way?
• How is your breathing?--full and relaxed or survival-breathing, shallow and holding your breath  

 
If you come for Spiritual Direction, I'm not going to give you Bible verses to memorize or critique your spiritual life.  I'm going to listen for life within your life so that you may walk in the way that leads to Life (which is what the Bible encourages us to do!).     

Today I facilitated a time of meditation and guided prayer for the Vanderbilt Divinity School community during their online worship.  Since we're all in this 2020 boat together, I'm offering the same to you! ​
__________________________
Mark 4:35-36 (NRSV)
35 On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, “Let us go across to the other side.” 36 And leaving the crowd behind, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. Other boats were with him.
 
Mark 6:31-32 (NRSV)
31 He said to them, “Come away to a deserted place all by yourselves and rest a while.” For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat. 32 And they went away in the boat to a deserted place by themselves.
 ___________________________

After days full of crowds and constant activity (& sometimes during days full of crowds & constant activity!), what did Jesus and his disciples do?  They climbed into a boat. 
 
The boat offered refuge—it was a safe place to teach from, to take a break from the pressing crowds, to find rest.    
 
It was also a safe place to wrestle—to struggle with and against the waves, to puzzle with what had just been learned or witnessed.
 
And it was a threshold place—floating on the surface of the deep unknown, in-between where they’d come from and where they were going (which also meant into the unknown).  It was a vehicle of both transportation and transformation. 
 
If we were to continue on with our particular Scripture passages we would know what they didn't know.  They were about to face a furious storm (although it wouldn't disturb Jesus' sleep which would disturb them even more!) and their plans for their place of rest were going to be thwarted.       
 
Boat-time was liminal space for them, kind of like 2020 is for us. 
The boat itself was a liminal place for them, kind of like Vanderbilt is for many, kind of like this worship time is for us.
 
So what might happen in this time of liminality?  Will we discover an invitation to rest in the middle of the storm?  If we loosen our grasp on our plans for the future, what will we do now?  Let’s climb into the boat for some guided prayer and find out! 
 
I invite you to close your eyes, maybe raise your shoulders and sigh deeply allowing your shoulders to drop and other places of tension in your body to begin to release. Giving yourself permission to continue to be here rather than the task or place you’re headed to after worship.  As you allow for some slow, relaxed breaths, let each one draw you to the present, this place where you experience the Sacred Presence. 
 
Now in the quiet, listen to Jesus speak the same words to you that he spoke to his disciples, “Come away to a deserted place all by yourselves and rest awhile.”  (2x)
 
Imagine yourself leaving whatever or whoever has kept you busy, worried or even excited today or whatever or whoever is presently keeping you preoccupied, imagine leaving it, leaving them, and climbing into the boat with Jesus. 
 
Take a moment to notice what the boat and your surroundings look like (they might be old or modern day).  You might notice where you choose to sit, who else may be in the boat, just take in the scene with all of your senses, what do you hear, see, touch, taste… 
 
What is the weather and water like in this moment?  What time of day is it?  What state are you in—mind & body?     
 
While you’re looking forward to going to a place of rest, you don’t know what will be waiting for you in the future, all you have right now is this boat and this moment.
 
What do you need and what is being offered to you?
    
Let the scene unfold.  Maybe you voice your need to Jesus and a conversation happens, or maybe there’s an opportunity to rest awhile in the boat just as you are, or you might become aware of wisdom being offered you in regard to something you’ve been wrestling with.  How is rest being offered to your body, mind, and soul, right here, right now? 
 
After a few moments in the silence you'll hear music playing and once it ends I'll offer a Benediction.  

I was supposed to be traveling today to Saint Meinrad Archabbey for a yearly 4-day Silent Retreat. 

It's one of my favorite places.  I am always excited about facilitating this deep dive into the gift of Silence.  Words don't do it justice.

BUT the pandemic threw a wrench in my (& everyone's) plans.  So, I decided that even though I won't be facilitating a retreat, I can share with you the theme that I picked out for it last year and we can enter into it wherever we find ourselves. 

​We can still pray: ​

​If there's ever been a time to pray this prayer that was written in the spirit of Saint Francis of Assisi, 700 years after his death by Father Esther Couqerel of France in 1912, it is now!
 
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope
Where there is darkness, light
And where there is sadness, joy

O Divine Master, grant that I may
Not so much seek to be consoled as to console
To be understood, as to understand
To be loved, as to love
For it is in giving that we receive
And it is in pardoning that we are pardoned
And it's in dying that we are born to Eternal Life
Amen.

________________
"Blessed are the peacemakers," said Jesus, "for they will be called children of God."   

To be a peacemaker does not mean:

• We are peacekeepers.  (Consider the difference).
• We simply enjoy peace.      
• We don't have strong opinions.    
• We don't speak up or speak out.

To be a peacemaker means we not only pray and enjoy peace, but we actively work for peace.  For everyone.  Not just ourselves.  However, receiving inner peace enables us to extend outer peace...hence, the silent retreats. 

Silence offers an opportunity to slow down, to quiet the outer voices that we may look within and discover the inner voice of the God of Peace.   

Will you join me in reflecting, meditating, walking, dancing, stretching, playing, singing, resting, and working with this prayer over the next 4 days? 

Praying it first for yourself and your internal world: 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace toward myself...

Then praying it for those outside of yourself.  Praying it on behalf of not only your family and nation, but the whole world.
 
Praying to embody the words as you come in contact with the world--from those in your own house to the grocery store and social media.

Let's breathe in and out the words of the "Prayer of St. Francis" and in so doing, may we become instruments and children of the God of Peace.  

Imagine walking into a doctor's exam room, telling the doctor your symptoms, showing the doctor what you're concerned about and then... turning around and leaving without letting the doctor respond! 

It may sound far-fetched to you but we do it all the time in prayer. 


Soren Kierkegaard the 19th century Danish philosopher, theologian and poet once said,

"If I were a physician, and if I were allowed to prescribe just one remedy for all the ills of the modern world, I would prescribe silence.  For even if the Word of God were proclaimed in the modern world, how could one hear it with so much noise?  Therefore, create silence."

How often do we turn to the Great Physician with our concerns, yet offer no opportunity for a response?  With no response, how are we to know what we really are to say or do, especially in the face of tragedy and difficult circumstances?

Oh, we may think we know what to say or do.

Our ego self or what the Apostle Paul called "the flesh" always has an answer!  This part of us likes to self-diagnose (and diagnose others!).  It's usually quite sure of itself, quick to demonize those who do not agree, and usually lacks creativity, like choosing apathy.  Apathy is quite different than active waiting, for the latter keeps vigilance while the former has "fallen asleep," sure to miss God's invitation to action when it does come!

If we read I Corinthians 3:4-5 and simply turn each phrase of what love is to what it isn't, we get a quick and easy way to recognize when the ego is trying to take charge!

The ego often...
is not patient.
is not kind.
envies.
boasts.
is proud.
is rude.
is self-seeking.
is easily angry.
keeps a record of wrongs.

It's hard to stop talking, look inside, and give up all of these ego-driven things in order to create space to listen to the One who truly knows the next word or action needed.

Don't think it's difficult?

• Try bringing someone to mind you dislike (you may be sitting at the same table at Thanksgiving in a few weeks!).
• Now look at the list above. What is most difficult for you to give up?  Patience?  Record-keeping?

Words often arise from those very places when it comes to the difficult person or situation.  BUT, if you can allow that part of the ego (the part that is impatient, for instance) to step aside or tone down, this creates space for silence where there's room for the Physician to speak.

In the doctor's office, the doctor gives you instructions on what to do (or not to do) and the kind of medicine to take.  Do you let the words go in one ear and out the other or go home and leave the prescription on your kitchen counter? No!  Not if you trust the doctor.  There is action involved beyond rehearsing your symptoms and having a prescription in hand.   

In prayer, not only is the word spoken to you by the Physician powerful, but the word given to you to speak (or do) carries that same healing power forward.  

Says, Henri Nouwen in The Way of the Heart, 
"A word with power is a word that comes out of silence.  A word that bears fruit is a word that emerges from the silence and returns to it...A word that is not rooted in silence is a weak, powerless word that sounds like a "clashing cymbal or a booming gong."  (I Corinthians 13:1) 

Our world is in desperate need of wisdom and healing.  So many of us say, "I'm praying."  What if we said, "I'm listening in prayer."  Then, let's actually stop talking, go to a quiet place (like Jesus did), and find out what the Physician has to say.

You may not be ready to go on a silent retreat or sit in 20 minutes of meditation, but how about trying a taste?  It's easy.

And since it's the season of pumpkin everything, let's try tasting silence through a slice of pumpkin pie!

If you're not a fan of pumpkin pie, think of another food or drink you really enjoy.  Now if you have a real slice of pie, great!  If not, imagine tasting that first bite. Notice the flavors, texture, and temperature on your tongue.  

Allow yourself to savor the next few bites without rushing.  What do you notice about the pie (or whatever you're savoring) that you may have missed if you had hurried through each forkful? Food and drink can rarely be savored when speed is involved, the same is true with silence.   How do we taste and savor silence?  With our ears.

Ready to give it a try?

• ​Stop talking (or reading).
• Close your eyes.
• Become aware of the sounds around you.  
• Spend a few moments just listening.

What do you notice now that you did not notice before you stopped and listened?
Where did certain sounds come from, which ear did you hear them through?
What sound most grabbed your attention?
If in a quiet place, did you notice the sound of your own breathing?
What was it like to do nothing but listen?
How did your mind and the rest of your body respond?

This is being present.  It's a meditation practice.  And yes, it counts.  
True, it's a great way to enter into a silent retreat or centering prayer meditation but if it happens to be the only spiritual practice you consistently engage this week or this month, that's fine!  Just taste and see how pausing to listen and savor the sounds around you affect your soul.  

You never know, the next time you stop and savor the silence, you, like the prophet Elijah, may hear God's voice in a gentle whisper!  

Once you close or lower your eyes during your time of meditation, you're bound to deal with inner traffic!  What are you to do?

Do you yell at it for existing?  
Just as you wouldn't literally stand on a sidewalk and yell at traffic for existing (although sometimes it's tempting), there's no need to yell at the traffic within you for being there!  It's simply doing what it normally does.  Having inner noise with it's plethora of racing and honking is part of being human. 

Do you run out into it?
We tell kids not to!  However, sometimes in meditation it may indeed feel like we're caught up in a dizzying array of thoughts and feelings whizzing past us or we're trapped in the middle of a traffic jam with no way out!  

Whether it feels like there's no way out or you've got internal vertigo, allow yourself to come back to center through your body.  You might gently return your attention to your breath, listen to the sounds in the room, relax your eyes, or ever-so-lightly correct your posture by dropping your shoulders or straightening your slumped spine.  Very simple body awareness can return us to a state of noticing the traffic rather than being one with it!

Do you try to jump in one of the cars or climb on the bus?
If it's moving, it can be especially dangerous!  Whether parked or already in motion, during meditation this is what is called "finding yourself engaged in a thought or feeling".  At this point you've not just noticed the cars moving across the highway of your consciousness, someone yelled out the window inviting you to hop on in and the next thing you know, you're in the passenger's seat!  You may have even taken the wheel!

No worries, though.  You're not being forced to go anywhere against your will!  Simply return to your sacred word (if engaging Centering Prayer), your calming/meditative image, your breath, or what you hear in the room.  You may find yourself doing this again and again, during your time of meditation, especially when traffic is heavy!  That's okay.  Each time you do, you freely choose the way of life by coming back to the present moment rather than speeding off into the future or heading back to the past.  
 
When it comes to inner traffic, meditation invites us to simply be aware of it.  
Let each taxi, moped, jeep, and minivan come and go.  Know that some days or times of day you may be in the middle of rush hour.  Other days may be lighter traffic.  Some vehicles may take longer to drive by than others. No need to lose heart.  God's love is boundless, encompassing you and every thought, feeling and bodily sensation that arises, endures, and passes away.  And there is nowhere these cars, trucks, vans or buses can take you that God is not!   

One day last week, I had just begun my twenty minutes of silent meditation, known as Centering Prayer, when I began to hear the sound of a synthesizer from 1986.

Not long after, I heard the voice of El DeBarge sing out, "Who's Johnny? she said and smiled in her special way..."  

I was not smiling.
​
I couldn't even remember the last time I heard this song.  Maybe you can't either.  For a refresher, I've posted the video below so you can better imagine this scene with me...go ahead, have it playing while you continue to read.  I certainly didn't expect to hear it during my time of Centering Prayer!  

My husband had no idea I was downstairs in silent meditation.  I had no idea why he was listening to El DeBarge in the room beside me (especially early in the morning)!  I was just about to yell, "Hey, what in the world are you doing? I'm in the middle of centering prayer!" when suddenly I remembered some words from author and former Trappist monk, James Finley.  

​I had been reading his book, Christian Meditation: Experiencing the Presence of God and he repeatedly addresses external and internal distractions that occur during silent meditation. When they come (as they always have and always will because we're human), Finley advises that we:

• ​Neither cling to nor resist any distraction
• Allow each to arise, endure, and pass away

Here was an excellent opportunity to enter more deeply into Finley's words and into my meditation practice!  So I internally gave El DeBarge permission to endure and returned to an inner meditative awareness.  What was I aware of inside?  It certainly wasn't a peaceful calm! It was anger and annoyance!  

I wanted to yell out, "Hey!  Enough of El DeBarge already!"  Perhaps a deeper, inner curiosity won out because rather than resist them, I decided to allow my feelings of anger and annoyance to arise, endure, and pass away.  They endured a long time.  

When the feelings did pass, a thought took their place.  This thought pointed out how much I want (even demand) things to go my way...or else!  I expected silence with no distractions for 20 minutes and the moment I did not get what I wanted, my anger surged to the surface! 

I don't know about you, but when I have an expectation, I tend to expect it to turn out like I envisioned (perfectly).  And if it doesn't, I just know it will be ruined (or at least that's how my thinking goes).  Have you ever considered how much you internally (or externally) demand things go your way?  One of the benefits of meditation is one becomes more aware of things like this!

Though insightful, this thought wanted me to cling to it and spend time mulling it over, perhaps devise a plan for transformation or soak in shame.  Instead my time of meditation was inviting me to let ALL arise, endure, and pass away.  In specific Centering Prayer language, the moment I notice I'm engaged with (clinging to) the thought, I gently return to my sacred word, the symbol of my intention to consent to God's presence and action within.

Entrusting all of my responses and reactions (and plans for transformation) into God's hands, I allowed myself to return to the deepest truth offered in the present moment--I am fully loved by God just as I am.  The humbling thought about my expectations eventually passed away and there was a brief calm (but even that is not to be clung to!).  

I would like to say I continued to neither cling to nor resist any distraction, that I allowed every external sound and internal feeling, thought, memory and bodily sensation to arise, endure, and pass away.  BUT, half-way through Scritti Politti singing their 1985 hit, "Perfect Way"...         

​Do you really think
more thinking is
needed right now?

Especially when what
we're dealing with is a
sickness of the mind!

With sad eyes
the soul whispers
“Stop” (as it always has)

Did Saint Paul not say 
the same to the good folks
of Galatia?

With a humble heart
(admitting the -ism
existing in yourself)
sit in Silence

Without mistaking such
Silence for absence
or worse, indifference!

The soul knows
how to wait
for salvation from
its Source.

And do you remember
Jesus speaking to his disciples--
What does it take for some
demonic powers to leave?

Prayer and fasting.
So ask,
then close your lips and listen.

Until clenched fists open
until anxiety and anger
slip through your fingers

Until you receive
in your now-ready head,
heart, and hands
​
that which you are to give
for the healing of this,
your world.