Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.
Mark 16:8 (NIV)

Sometimes our reaction to resurrection isn’t joy. 

Sometimes it’s trembling and bewilderment (or as the NRSV translation says “terror and amazement”).   

This Easter, my family of four paused at this ending of the book of Mark before continuing on with the two endings that were added later on. 

My teen daughter jokingly calls the latter the “fan fiction endings” (alternate endings or additional info added by those who love the story rather than the original author).  She is a reader of fan fiction when it comes to her favorite novels.

Clearly the women's fear and silence was not the end of the story given how it unfolded in the other Gospels and in the book of Acts, but the earliest manuscripts stop at verse 8. 
 
And it got us wondering how many times in our own stories has God presented us with resurrection and we’ve been too scared out of our minds to accept it (let alone tell anyone!).  

This might be resurrection in the form of a new dream, calling, or relationship arising just when we thought all hope was dead and gone.  Maybe this has happened to you (or is happening to you) and instead of joy, your first response is trembling, bewilderment, and keeping it to yourself.  Why?      

Why might terror and amazement be our first reaction to the reality of resurrection?
 
It doesn’t fit our storyline.  We’re not expecting it.  The women were expecting to see Jesus’ body, that’s what they were prepared for.  Their biggest challenge  was how they would roll the stone away, that’s the story they were prepared for.  They were utterly unprepared for this. 

Years ago, my husband had just broken off an engagement.  He told God he was ready to be a lifelong bachelor, then less than two months later, I came along…terror and amazement.        
 
We don’t want to let go of our old storyline.  If we let go of what is familiar (even if it’s painful), what might that mean?  What might others think if something is voiced that is out-of-the-norm, completely other than what is expected?  They were just ordinary women going about their plan to anoint their loved one’s dead body.  Nothing out-of-the-ordinary.  Now they are told to be evangelists!  Women sharing the Good News with men—of the risen Christ—not so easy, definitely tremble-worthy. 
 
In Russ’ hidden handbook of dating, two months was not enough time in between relationships.  What might others think?  Could he let go of what others (and even a part of himself) thought? 
 
The new storyline seems too good to be true.  Who wouldn’t want to hear that their loved one has been raised from the dead?!  Sometimes when something is beyond our own imagining, it triggers all of our insecurities and fears.  Given women’s role in society, perhaps the women that early morning felt especially vulnerable in sharing such news.  Would they be believed and if not, what then?  Could they bear being mocked and belittled? 
 
Entering into another relationship for Russ, meant entering into another possibility of exhausting dysfunction, hurt, and rejection.  Staying to himself seemed easier, but after our first conversation, he could not resist the feeling of hope for a healthy relationship.  He had to decide if stepping out of hiding was worth the risk and ridicule. 
 
He decided to take the risk that comes with resurrection.  
After learning I had just had my wisdom teeth out, he walked up to me after a church service (he played in the worship band and I was the youth pastor) and asked how I felt after the surgery.  Awkward?  Yes. Did it trigger not only his, but all of my own insecurities?  Yes.  But, we will have been married for twenty years this October. 

As I write this, I’m staring into the face of another resurrection.  It has come while I have not yet totally released my grief and attachments to the old, dying storyline (what, how & who I had planned on being part of the unfolding of a dream I had pictured over fifteen years ago).  Much like Russ experienced twenty-one years ago, God has raised up a new dream before I have felt ready, causing much trembling and bewilderment! 
 
And like the women that morning, I have been afraid.  I have needed time to ponder whether or not the eyes of my heart have been deceiving me.  And I have needed to further loosen my grasp on the old while becoming aware of what has been triggered in me so as to open my hands and give my heart to the new.  As the Spirit of God gives me courage, I share the good news of this new dream with others.  And I imagine it will spread soon enough (as good news eventually does!). 
​
_________________________________ 
When resurrection happens may your eyes be open to see it.  And may the terror and amazement lead not to shame but to solitude with the God who raises the dead and to community with spiritual companions who can give you courage.  May you trust that you will not remain afraid forever, but step boldly, no matter how clumsily, into the truth revealed by the resurrected Christ.    

Recently my daughter started fencing.   

It's been the perfect socially-distanced sport...masked, gloved, and if you come within 6 feet, you get stabbed!
     
Still in her uniform after practice one day, she put on her helmet, pulled out her épée, and walked outside as I sat on the porch.  She began practicing her stance.  Noticing it had changed since June, I asked her what she had been doing differently.

"Well, my coach said I would get tired if I was constantly holding my left arm up in a flexed position and he pointed out how I kept rising into the stance.  He told me to relax my arm and settle into the stance instead." 

Then off-the-cuff she added, "So don't rise to the challenge, Mom, relax into it!"

Rather than "en garde," it caught me "off guard"! 

Do you know the difference between Self-Comfort and Self-Care?
 
Yesterday I presented “Resilience for Spiritual Caregivers,” a slideshow from The Seattle School of Theology and Psychology (I attended their online webinar in May).  
 
It's so important for those of us caring for the souls of others to not neglect our own.  Yet it’s all-too-common for neglect to happen, especially during times of anxiety/trauma/crisis.  

One insight from The Seattle School’s Resilient Leaders’ Project was the differences between the coping behaviors of “Self-Comfort vs. Self-Care”---
 
Both are very much a part of our specific stories (what we turn to for comfort and care differ for each of us).
 
Both have their place. 
  
Self-Comfort behaviors are…
-short-term solutions which are often detrimental to our long-term health.
-often isolating, done in private.
 
Self-Care behaviors…
-support our long-term well-being.
-increase our sense of connection to self, others, & God.

Binging on Netflix all day may help me cope for a short while by forgetting my own story.  But losing myself in the stories of others while sitting on the couch is not what my mind, body, and soul are deeply craving.

It may be okay in the short-term; it’s not a good long-term solution.  In fact, self-comforting behaviors can turn into unhealthy patterns (addictions) if not recognized.
 
A pandemic and the current political climate will certainly bring out the need for self-comfort (which can be a cause for self-shaming)!  Rather than criticize ourselves, we can try being curious and compassionate instead.  We might ask questions like:   
 
-Why do I try to comfort myself with food (or where did I learn to comfort myself in this way)?
-What gets in the way of me doing what is healthy for myself?
 
Two self-comforting strategies that had turned into unhealthy distractions for me:  

• Facebook on my phone
• Falling asleep on the couch watching the news

 
The first I argued was a way to keep me connected to others but honestly, it had become more of a life-draining rather than life-giving habit. My 9-year-old encouraged me to remove it, so I did.  I’m reaching for my phone less and present to my kids more without the pressure to narrate my days with posts & photos.  
 
The second offered a way to zone out alongside my spouse once the kids were in bed but kept me riled up until the point of exhaustion!  So rather than the news, I’m now taking the hour before bed to read fiction and draw with color pencils...my whole being (& my family) is affirming this choice!  
 
I still need my time watching Masterpiece dramas as well as baking (& eating) fun desserts, but I recognize these are self-comforting strategies.  Binging on either day-after-day will have negative consequences!
 
Art, Zumba, Centering Prayer, poetry, juggling, delighting in healthy meals, dancing to 80s music with my kids, chats on the porch swing with my spouse, socially-distanced socializing with friends, talking with my Spiritual Director on the phone...when engaged in healthy and not legalistic ways, are self-caring behaviors that support me as I walk in the way that leads to Life.

May you be curious as to the ways you comfort and care for yourself.  Since everything is interconnected, the ways you care for yourself (or don't) will impact those in your care!
 
I’m happy to join you in discerning what will best support your journey (especially during this time of global anxiety).  Schedule a 30 minute or 1 hour session of Spiritual Direction &/or Dreamwork. 

Learn more about The Seattle School of Theology & Psychology's Certificate in Resilient Service (going online for the first time!).

​Who are you not being or what are you not doing because you fear how you will appear in the eyes of others?

What reputation are you trying to uphold?  

I've spent tons of energy on my good, Christian girl image for as long as I can remember.

And being in ministry my whole adult life has not provided relief.  At times, this has intensified the inner critic that reminds me that I have a reputation as a Christian leader and spiritual guide to uphold.  

Quite frankly, I've given way too much thought as to how things like changing my theological stances to not-every-Sunday-church-attendance affect my reputation (case in point, I just gave way too much thought in writing this sentence!).  

I have often chosen rule-following over following my heart.  And the many times I have boldly followed the still, small voice within, my inner critic who abides there as well, has often stolen, killed, and destroyed the freedom found in the following.  Fearing outer criticism causes such unnecessary inner turmoil!  

Some say we begin to care what other people think in middle school.

My daughter started middle school this year.  She told my husband and I that she wanted us both to be at the bus stop with her.  I thought after the first day or two she would probably like us to remain at a safe distance.  I was wrong.

She wants us there everyday and even wants a hug before she climbs into the bus!  Part of me loves this.  And I have to admit, even though she feels not a hint of embarrassment, a part of me feels a twinge of it for her as I see the other middle schoolers looking out the window of a full bus.  Maybe I'm feeling over-protective (if she won't protect her image, I will!) or maybe it's the middle school girl in me still caring what others think.  Why risk it?  
 
One morning last week I sat at the kitchen table after an all-night headache with little sleep. I told her, "Your dad will have to go with you to the bus stop, I don't think you'll want me along." She said, "Why not?"  I said, "Look at me, I'm still in my pajamas!"  She replied, "You had a hard night, of course you are, but I don't care, it's not like I have a reputation I need to defend!"  

I looked at her bewildered.  Have I ever not thought I had a reputation I needed to defend?!

Then I held up my hand and said, "You need a high-five because you'll be good to go if you can keep that sentiment through middle school."  She laughed.  Oh the freedom to authentically be who you are and do what your heart desires no matter what others think!  

We both walked her to the bus stop (although I did change out of my pajamas).  

After she climbed on the bus, I looked at my husband and said, "Who is that child?" Then I told him how her response immediately ambushed my weary heart, speaking into my own life of places where I've been overly concerned about how I appear in the eyes of others. 

If a middle school girl can wholeheartedly choose what is inside over what others think of her on the outside, then perhaps I can, too.  Oh the freedom!  God knows it's time.  

By the way, the next morning she pointed to us and said, "I may not have a reputation to defend, but let's not do this again!"  We had unknowingly put on matching t-shirts to walk her to the bus stop!  I appreciated her authenticity.  Both of us cringed as the bus drove past.

Becoming yourself is.  

I knew a brilliant young woman who needed to leave professional ministry to become herself.

Her life was on track to eventually earn the title of "Reverend" in a mainstream denomination along with its retirement benefits.  The problem was that this denomination was neither a fit nor was the position of senior pastor.  After a long season together in spiritual direction, it became clear that while she had given it a valiant effort,
she was living a story that was someone else's, not hers.  

When I was in college, there were para-church ministries who planted the idea in students' minds that if you really loved Jesus you would let go of your secular job pursuits and come on staff with them after college.  

As an adult, I watch how some believe leaving a "secular" job to go into professional ministry proves how much one loves and is devoted to God and/or the Church.  And it's lauded by many, especially when a big pay-cut is involved.  

So many gifted scientists, lawyers, business men & women, machinists, musicians, and others have left their "secular" callings because they thought loving Jesus and the Church meant to do so.  And it is true, sometimes Jesus does call us to leave one job for another, as he did his ragtag group of fishermen and tax collectors turned disciples.  Although notice if he or Paul called the folks who financially supported them to leave their jobs! 

The problem lies in labeling jobs "sacred" or "secular," elevating one over the other, and allowing that to become our primary lens for discernment.  Guess what happens?  People end up in full-time ministry jobs that are an ill-fit (for them and for those around them).  

Ever had a pastor who you could tell had a different calling?  I once worked for a senior pastor who was a very gifted naturalist.  I learned so much about reptiles and plants from him and watched how his face lit up when he talked about creation that every time I listened to him preach or sat in staff meeting, I wished he'd followed his God-given giftings instead!   

Remember ​16th century Protestant Reformer, Martin Luther?  Well after the word "vocation" had been institutionalized to mean full-time church work, he broke it out of the box again by reminding people that since all are called to the "priesthood of believers," all jobs are ministry!   Loving Jesus doesn't mean you must leave your job and become a professional missionary or monk.  You can be both right where you are!   

Read what Luther wrote in The Babylonian Captivity of the Church: 
"...the works of monks and priests, however holy and arduous they may be, do not differ one whit in the sight of God from the works of the rustic laborer in the field or the woman going about her household tasks...all are measured before God by faith alone."

Ever witness someone operating out of their giftings?  It's as natural and stunning as a sunrise.  One year my daughter hated math and the next year she loved it.  The difference? She had a teacher gifted in math!  Said Saint Basil of Caesarea, "God the Creator has arranged things so that we need each other."  Isn't that the truth?!  We need creative and compassionate electricians, inventors, counselors, accountants, nurses, yoga instructors, athletes, social workers, childcare providers...their presence changes the world, no matter how big or small.

So how can you begin to identify your vocation?  Author Frederick Buechner writes, "The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."  Am I ever glad that math teacher didn't go into full-time ministry! Instead she's living out the presence of Christ in the classroom, where so many, like my daughter, need her. 

By the way, that young woman I mentioned at the beginning is now in a vocation she loves which has nothing to do with professional ministry.  It's a better fit for her (and for this world)!  
Glory be to God.