 Photo by Damian Siodłak on Unsplash Choices can be difficult.
Wanting to make the perfect one, I can struggle with “buyer’s remorse.” It can be about a purchase or any decision I have made or need to make (especially if others are concerned). Did I take enough time to make the best choice? What if I didn’t? Was I right? Was I wrong? I will replay the options. Especially if my choice does not please others, I will replay it even more. Sometimes it can become compulsive, stuck on a loop in my brain. We all have experienced the stress that comes from obsessive over-thinking. Over the years, I have tried a variety of ways to “throw a stick in the spokes” and stop the constant thought-cycle. The practice of Centering Prayer has been one thing that, gradually, has made a difference. Centering Prayer can be a challenge as one gets to discover all the places the unruly mind wants to wander instead of stay in the present (it is certainly not interested if the present has feelings it doesn’t want to feel!). As I have grown in acceptance of the brain’s (sometimes bizarre) escapades to do anything but feel reality and rest in God, I have grown in awareness of when I am joining its invitations to run away to the circus of compulsivity. Here are two simple ways of returning home:
The keys to both are patience and gentleness (two indicators or “fruits” of the Holy Spirit as described in Galatians 5:22-23). It may take a while, but with gentle persistence old compulsive paths will be less and less traveled. And relief will rise with your every return to the pathways of peace. Mine is the piecemeal house with patched couch peeling and cracked cabinets broken back-slat chairs Clutter made up of books, boxes, and bags of papers, poetry, and prayers. -My Piecemeal House, Kasey Hitt, 2021 One day I got caught up in the comparison game and found myself on the losing side. Comparison games are anxiety-causing no matter what side you're on and being on the losing side most often leads to feelings of shame. So to get my feelings out rather than get stuck in them, I scribbled down this poem. The last line surprised me as it invited a shift. It was a call to come home to a value and spiritual practice I appreciate but can often lose sight of: Simplicity. On Sunday, my husband played the old Shaker song on the piano, “Tis the Gift to Be Simple” (aka "Simple Gifts"). The rest of us sang. We started having fun with it by playing multiple versions on Amazon Music—fast and slow tempos, lyrics and instrumentals, solo singers and choirs, brass, dulcimer, and piano versions… We stopped once we got sick of the song! However, listening to it over and over helped us hear, meditate, and move with it so the message could go from head to heart. 'Tis the gift to be simple, ’tis the gift to be free 'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be, And when we find ourselves in the place just right, 'Twill be in the valley of love and delight. When true simplicity is gained, To bow and to bend we shan’t be ashamed, To turn, turn will be our delight, Till by turning, turning we come ’round right. When I revisited my poem, I saw how the words started with my feelings of shame as I described some worn-out parts of my house. It ended with words that led me deeper into the soul(s) residing there. A spontaneous smile and warmth replaced the shame. And right here in my house, just as it is, in a neighborhood with “valley” in its name, I discovered love and delight. ______________________
 This is my in-person Spiritual Direction space. So many people have sat on that couch (it's been with me since my very first directee!) and I've spent many hours reading and listening in my Craigslist-find chair!  Our self-talk can be mean.
In clients young and old, I notice how they often beat themselves up for not living up to their spiritual ideals. In their voices I hear the longing to “be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). And I also hear the guilt, self-blame, and even name-calling that result when falling short. I listen with empathy. Why? I resonate with the 1 on the Enneagram (those who can be perfection-driven and overly familiar with an inner critic) and I grew up in a culture expecting high-level morality as a reflection of being a "good girl" and following Jesus, so I get it. One of the reasons I love being a Spiritual Director is the experience and wanting others to experience the gift of new eyes to see. For instance, we will always fall short and give the inner critic plenty of fodder if we read that scripture in Matthew in terms of moral perfection rather than wholeness or “shalom.” Shalom is Hebrew (the language of the Jewish lineage of Jesus) for “peace, wholeness, & completeness.” The Greek language used in the writing of the New Testament chose "perfect" as the translation of "teleios." Another look into the original language reveals that it has multiple meanings—“perfect, whole, & complete.” Reading this same line from Matthew, substitute, “perfect” with “whole” and notice your inner response: Be whole as your heavenly Father is whole. Being whole includes our imperfections (which, like the Chinese symbol of yin & yang, includes both darkness and light to complete the circle). God is fully with us in both. The Psalmist discovered this in wondering if he could hide from God's Presence, but finally declared, "for darkness is as light to you" (Psalm 139:12). The prophet Isaiah, went a step further with God proclaiming that “I form the light and create darkness” (45:7). We humans often do not know which is which and not seeing from a deeper, nondual, perspective, label one good (light) and the other bad (darkness). The natural world can teach us how light and dark are interrelated, complementary parts of Creation. Be outside on a blistering hot day without any shade and you will long for the goodness of darkness and bemoan how too much light is bad. In the same way, we rush to label our own imperfections as “bad.” But Saint Paul had a different experience, he saw an inseparable relationship between his imperfections and God’s strength. In II Corinthians 12:9, he exclaims “I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” More times than I can count, I have experienced God working through my weaknesses and failures. Looking back I can also see how God was present with me in darkness, though I may have been unable to see it at the time. As I recall these stories, I soften toward myself and my self-talk reflects the gentleness of the Spirit of God. I imagine the same is true of you. As you look back at times of darkness, weakness and failure, what goodness can you find that came from it or occurred right in the middle of it? Perhaps you are being given new eyes to see how the Spirit has been (and is) working in and through every part of you—that’s wholeness. That’s the perfection of God. And knowing this, perhaps you soften toward and speak to yourself with gentleness—and experience “Shalom.” ___________________ Sometimes it takes the gentle guidance of a Spiritual Director to help you see your own story and the Sacred Presence in a new way. To find out more about Spiritual Direction, go here. Everywhere I look
there is clutter and imperfection Whether inside or outside Yes, inside or outside Do you work to contain, clean, remove and improve it? Or do you accept such a state? Either way, all I see is work. ___________
When did you come to believe success comes with a scheduled life? When the Spirit rarely sticks to the script! When the Sacred Presence refuses to be restrained! Scheduled or unscheduled, Productive or unproductive, May you come to believe success comes with (and is) the simple consent to Life.   Have you considered how what you're viewing and listening to is impacting your inner and outer world?
It doesn't take long to identify those ingesting one particular news outlet. Rather than creative conversation, the topics brought up are a repetition of the latest headlines and talking points (complete with the most recent insults). Rather than a wellspring of dialogue possibilities, it's more of a sinkhole--conversation erodes then collapses. Seeing the impact of incessant intake of news during this politically charged season is easy, but what about the other channels and sites? What about Hallmark, for instance? Sometimes a lovely surface is hiding a soon-to-be sinkhole. Now before you roll your eyes, let me explain. In the past year I started noticing my chronic dissatisfaction. Nothing and no one was living up to expectations. And guess what? I realized that the Hallmark Now channel that we had a subscription for was a primary trigger! Every time I watched a movie or binged on a series, my idealism would be inflamed. Seeing those perfect little towns with their perfect flowers, lawns, and people would stir my own compulsive drive for perfection. Each show would begin a subconscious comparison of my life to the idealized Hallmark version and my house and spouse always came up short. One day my daughter and I were watching a show when she said, "I can hardly watch this stuff anymore. It's supposed to be set in the old West and yet everyone is wearing makeup and their clothes never have any dirt on them! It's not real." She was right. It was not real. And it was tempting me to strive for something other than life. Real life comes from accepting reality as it is (and the people found there), mess and all. So I canceled it. And much to my surprise, the chronic dissatisfaction dissipated! It has brought much relief to my inner world (and to my family!). Who knew that a channel that seems so innocent and warm-hearted, would turn out to cause so much inner and outer distress?! What are you watching and listening to? Be curious. How is it really impacting you? How might it be influencing the way you view those around you? Is it time to change the channel, click out, or cancel the subscription?  Finding yourself triggered more than usual with thoughts and feelings of rage, resentment, and judgment? I know I am.
And it's not just toward others (we'll focus on that next week)! What are we to do with inner voices of critique and judgment, chronic dissatisfaction and frustration? How do we not let ourselves be beat up by them? Is there another way? Jesus once summed up the entire Scriptures by saying, “'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Matthew 22:37-38) “Loving your neighbor as yourself” is to “loving the Lord your God,” as the moon is to the sun. The former reflects the latter. Like the line from his prayer to the Father, “Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven,“ Jesus teaches and prays for wholeness—inner and outer continuity, authenticity, alignment. Oneness with God, self, and neighbor. “Loving yourself” is inextricably linked to “loving your neighbor.” Think of those best friends necklaces with two halves, both are needed to make the heart whole. So let's begin with our part--ourselves. Tell me, how are you loving yourself these days? How would you characterize your inner conversations? Are they best friends necklace worthy? Is your inner landscape characterized by harmony and peace? What/who is your inner world reflecting? Given I resonate with a One on the Enneagram, inner critique and compulsive improvement of myself (& others) along with their counterparts of rage and resentment are easily accessible. They are often lurking, looking to supplant the inner voice of Love. When that happens, I cannot relax so compulsive doing is often the result (and a red flag). Recently, someone brought up a class series I taught a while ago and said that what continues to stick with her most was how I started every class with the invitation to be curious. I usually write these three phrases at the top of the dry erase board or handout: “Be curious. Be compassionate. Be aware” Given the subject matter is designed to go deeper, I know most classes will challenge our surface-level survival self (our ego). In response, people can expect to experience resistance (and all manner of feelings). That's not bad. There's wisdom in the resistance if we look. Given what we're presented with on a daily basis right now, there's plenty of subject matter to challenge our survival selves, isn't there?! At any moment, fear may be triggered, or anxiety, anger, resentment, rage, envy, sadness, guilt, shame, even numbness and avoidance. Instead of harmonious, our inner world begins to look like a daily war zone where there isn't the space or ability to give and receive love since it's all about surviving the day. What can bring peace to the inner chaos? Certainly not more "shoulds"! Fortunately, God offers us paths of peace. One that I've found is choosing curiosity over critique. It almost immediately relaxes inner tension, opening me to the inner voice of Love. Remember, it was Moses’ curiosity that caused him to stop what he was doing and take a closer look at the burning bush. From inside the fire, the Voice of Love spoke to him. Try it. Be curious.
Once becoming aware of the tone, physical sensations, and triggers, then the next time you experience them, rather than continuing down the path of self-condemnation which can lead to inward or outward lashing out, pause. Turn your compassionate gaze toward that inner burning (or numbness) and be curious:
Let's play with this concept of curiosity with ourselves. Next week we'll consider curiosity with others. What happens when we discount small actions or fear the possibility of humiliation?
We may not act at all. When we embrace both, we’re free to act. Any life-giving act, no matter how small, matters. According to Jesus, the Kingdom of God is like a mustard seed someone planted or like yeast a woman worked through a large amount of dough. Both the mustard seed and yeast required action from someone to bring about their potential. Both seed & yeast, the required action, and even the people may seem small and even hidden. Both may be small and hidden, but some actions require more (planting a seed is easier than kneading yeast through 60 lbs of dough!) Both contain big potential to benefit an entire community, offering nourishment in a variety of ways:
All of this from two small actions! If we're going to be sowers of seed and kneaders of the Bread of Life, know this... Action is never humiliation-proof. According to Fr. Richard Rohr, we're to pray for one good humiliation a day! What a way to stay humble and inevitably learn that humiliation is often a gateway to transformation! I promise you, especially if you, like me, are White (& an Enneagram One), it will happen as you enter into the on-going work of antiracism. Last fall, my daughter and I went to a weekend seminar to hear Nobel peace prize nominee, Fr. John Dear, talk about “Jesus as Peacemaker.” It’s been a constant part of our conversations ever since, becoming richer with insights from others. Earlier this year, Abby Buter pointed out the difference between being a “Peacekeeper” and a “Peacemaker” during the “Meditating with the Aramaic Beatitudes” class. The distinction is important…Jesus was the latter & said it’s the latter who are blessed. Fr. Dear gave my daughter a new language of nonviolence and she’s been quick to point out when I’m not (& other Christians aren’t) following in the footsteps of the nonviolent Jesus…oh the blessings of having a teenager in the house! But she’s right. And having it pointed out can be humiliating. When my children saw the video and photos of George Floyd, they were distraught. The conversation around Jesus and nonviolence needed to be taken to the next level. I decided to begin with my own faults and humiliations so they would learn not to fear their own. Around the dinner table, I told them stories from my own life of how I have thought, said, or did things that contributed to racism and upheld racist beliefs and systems. We talked about the reality of having inherited racist ideas as a culture and how Western Christianity’s own “superiority complex” has added to the problem by often making us overtly or covertly feel like we are definitely on the “winning team” and others are not. I told them of when I was a youth pastor and met with a community organizer after having spent time in Mississippi with Dr. John Perkins who encouraged me to do the same kind of community and racial reconciliation work with our students in our Missouri town rather than go elsewhere. Conversations with a couple of Black pastors in the area led me to talk to the Black community organizer. After telling him what I wanted to do, he laughed, and I felt humiliated. He pointed out how it was fine that I wanted to bring my students from the north side to the south side to help paint or whatever, BUT, it still didn’t change the fact that what the predominately Black kids on the south side were using as a community center was an old building that no one else wanted (but the kids were still happy to have) while the predominately White kids on the north side enjoyed a brand new top-of-the-line sports complex. It was an eye-opening conversation. Noticing my humiliation and naivete, he said, “I like you” then continued to challenge my White privilege. Doing “good work” and being a “good person” weren’t enough. At the end of our time, he still put me in touch with those who could help me line up service projects and then he sent me on my way (which included crossing a threshold I had no idea I would be crossing when I first walked in there). It was later that I could see how he was trying to open my eyes to the larger systemic problem of racial inequality and the problem of “White Savior Complex”--- our White Christian youth group would feel good about “helping” but the larger problems would still exist after we left (& in some cases our help would further uphold the problematic systems). Looking back, I’m grateful for the humiliation! Why?
Last month the opportunity to join an online discussion group facilitated by a Black friend from high school on the book, How to Be An Antiracist, came up. Aside: I've enjoyed listening to author, Ibram X. Kendi, read the audio version; often my kids listen, too. I knew a good humiliation (or more!) would come as I listened, shared, and became even more deeply aware of my ignorance both in high school and now (i.e. How did I not or how have I continued to not see, know, or consider this before?). However, experience tells me that humiliation need not stand in the way (and often is the way!). Do the conversations with family, friends, and neighbors matter? Does the discussion group matter? Refer to Jesus’ parables on the mustard seed and yeast. ______________ Two resources for ongoing learning, awareness & action:
One day last week, I had just begun my twenty minutes of silent meditation, known as Centering Prayer, when I began to hear the sound of a synthesizer from 1986. Not long after, I heard the voice of El DeBarge sing out, "Who's Johnny? she said and smiled in her special way..." I was not smiling. I couldn't even remember the last time I heard this song. Maybe you can't either. For a refresher, I've posted the video below so you can better imagine this scene with me...go ahead, have it playing while you continue to read. I certainly didn't expect to hear it during my time of Centering Prayer! My husband had no idea I was downstairs in silent meditation. I had no idea why he was listening to El DeBarge in the room beside me (especially early in the morning)! I was just about to yell, "Hey, what in the world are you doing? I'm in the middle of centering prayer!" when suddenly I remembered some words from author and former Trappist monk, James Finley. I had been reading his book, Christian Meditation: Experiencing the Presence of God and he repeatedly addresses external and internal distractions that occur during silent meditation. When they come (as they always have and always will because we're human), Finley advises that we:
Here was an excellent opportunity to enter more deeply into Finley's words and into my meditation practice! So I internally gave El DeBarge permission to endure and returned to an inner meditative awareness. What was I aware of inside? It certainly wasn't a peaceful calm! It was anger and annoyance! I wanted to yell out, "Hey! Enough of El DeBarge already!" Perhaps a deeper, inner curiosity won out because rather than resist them, I decided to allow my feelings of anger and annoyance to arise, endure, and pass away. They endured a long time. When the feelings did pass, a thought took their place. This thought pointed out how much I want (even demand) things to go my way...or else! I expected silence with no distractions for 20 minutes and the moment I did not get what I wanted, my anger surged to the surface! I don't know about you, but when I have an expectation, I tend to expect it to turn out like I envisioned (perfectly). And if it doesn't, I just know it will be ruined (or at least that's how my thinking goes). Have you ever considered how much you internally (or externally) demand things go your way? One of the benefits of meditation is one becomes more aware of things like this! Though insightful, this thought wanted me to cling to it and spend time mulling it over, perhaps devise a plan for transformation or soak in shame. Instead my time of meditation was inviting me to let ALL arise, endure, and pass away. In specific Centering Prayer language, the moment I notice I'm engaged with (clinging to) the thought, I gently return to my sacred word, the symbol of my intention to consent to God's presence and action within. Entrusting all of my responses and reactions (and plans for transformation) into God's hands, I allowed myself to return to the deepest truth offered in the present moment--I am fully loved by God just as I am. The humbling thought about my expectations eventually passed away and there was a brief calm (but even that is not to be clung to!). I would like to say I continued to neither cling to nor resist any distraction, that I allowed every external sound and internal feeling, thought, memory and bodily sensation to arise, endure, and pass away. BUT, half-way through Scritti Politti singing their 1985 hit, "Perfect Way"...
 Who are you not being or what are you not doing because you fear how you will appear in the eyes of others?
What reputation are you trying to uphold? I've spent tons of energy on my good, Christian girl image for as long as I can remember. And being in ministry my whole adult life has not provided relief. At times, this has intensified the inner critic that reminds me that I have a reputation as a Christian leader and spiritual guide to uphold. Quite frankly, I've given way too much thought as to how things like changing my theological stances to not-every-Sunday-church-attendance affect my reputation (case in point, I just gave way too much thought in writing this sentence!). I have often chosen rule-following over following my heart. And the many times I have boldly followed the still, small voice within, my inner critic who abides there as well, has often stolen, killed, and destroyed the freedom found in the following. Fearing outer criticism causes such unnecessary inner turmoil! Some say we begin to care what other people think in middle school. My daughter started middle school this year. She told my husband and I that she wanted us both to be at the bus stop with her. I thought after the first day or two she would probably like us to remain at a safe distance. I was wrong. She wants us there everyday and even wants a hug before she climbs into the bus! Part of me loves this. And I have to admit, even though she feels not a hint of embarrassment, a part of me feels a twinge of it for her as I see the other middle schoolers looking out the window of a full bus. Maybe I'm feeling over-protective (if she won't protect her image, I will!) or maybe it's the middle school girl in me still caring what others think. Why risk it? One morning last week I sat at the kitchen table after an all-night headache with little sleep. I told her, "Your dad will have to go with you to the bus stop, I don't think you'll want me along." She said, "Why not?" I said, "Look at me, I'm still in my pajamas!" She replied, "You had a hard night, of course you are, but I don't care, it's not like I have a reputation I need to defend!" I looked at her bewildered. Have I ever not thought I had a reputation I needed to defend?! Then I held up my hand and said, "You need a high-five because you'll be good to go if you can keep that sentiment through middle school." She laughed. Oh the freedom to authentically be who you are and do what your heart desires no matter what others think! We both walked her to the bus stop (although I did change out of my pajamas). After she climbed on the bus, I looked at my husband and said, "Who is that child?" Then I told him how her response immediately ambushed my weary heart, speaking into my own life of places where I've been overly concerned about how I appear in the eyes of others. If a middle school girl can wholeheartedly choose what is inside over what others think of her on the outside, then perhaps I can, too. Oh the freedom! God knows it's time. By the way, the next morning she pointed to us and said, "I may not have a reputation to defend, but let's not do this again!" We had unknowingly put on matching t-shirts to walk her to the bus stop! I appreciated her authenticity. Both of us cringed as the bus drove past. |
AuthorKasey is a scarf, ball and club juggling spiritual director just outside of Nashville, TN. Play helps her Type-A, Enneagram 1 personality relax, creating space for poetry and other words to emerge. She also likes playing with theological ideas like perichoresis, and all the ways we're invited into this Triune dance. Archives
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