Honestly, I really don't. 

​As a Spiritual Director, I'm listening and looking for life.  

​For some this looks like a daily time set aside for reading Scripture and praying with words (whether silently, written, or spoken).  This can be a very grounding and growing time. 

Or it can be a burdensome box on the spiritual checklist marked by guilt-if-I-don't-do-it. 

Even worse, it can be a time to grow the ego (rather than the mind of Christ). 
Reading the Bible and memorizing Scriptures are not a guarantee that one is on the path of and toward Life.  Some things may have the appearance of life but underneath we find superstition or pride in disguise.    

However Spirit is in the process of utterly transforming our hearts (which impacts the lenses through which we see the world, including Scripture), that is what I am looking and listening for when I sit with a person in Spiritual Direction. 

Let me give an example:
One person felt guilty because they did not want to do a one-year-Bible study initiated by their peers.  I affirmed their resistance which was telling them the truth--should they say "yes" out of obligation, they would only grow resentment, not life, in their relationship with God and others.

As I continued to listen, it became clear that this person would step out of their particular compulsions and into a deeper place the more they spent time in Nature (God's first revelation) and working with wood.  Nature and Beauty were of utmost importance in growing in Love and Life.  Their year would be better spent outside and in their workshop.       

There is no one-size-fits-all contrary to what you may have heard as a child, young adult, or a newbie to tending to the spiritual life.  

Having regular, uninterrupted time on the couch with a cat or dog or sharing a peaceful and delicious meal with one's partner, both are life-giving, love-growing practices. Others may find that silent meditation or reflecting on a poem expands their soul.  Working with a dream from the night before, puzzling over a vision, wrestling with a spiritual question, painting, gardening, playing with children...the possibilities for spiritual practice and experience are endless because God is endless. 

It also does not have to be either-or when it comes to spiritual practice...either I read the Bible or I spend time in Nature.  You might read the Bible in Nature.  Spending time in Nature may give you new eyes with which to see the Bible when you do read it next (or you might discuss different ways to read Sacred Scripture with your Spiritual Director).    

So how do you know if your "daily quiet time" or spiritual practice is life-giving and growing?
 
Reflect on the practice after you've engaged it for a length of time, at least a month.  Any given day can feel like a slog and the fruit of the practice may show up outside of the time itself!  For instance, after time in Nature, you may be calmer, less reactive, and more patient with others.

Here are some questions to discover the fruit your practice is bearing (or not):

•  Are you more centered and present rather than scattered and overstimulated? 
• Do you find your heart is being softened toward yourself and others?
• Are you seeing situations, people, and things in a different way?
• How is your breathing?--full and relaxed or survival-breathing, shallow and holding your breath  

 
If you come for Spiritual Direction, I'm not going to give you Bible verses to memorize or critique your spiritual life.  I'm going to listen for life within your life so that you may walk in the way that leads to Life (which is what the Bible encourages us to do!).     

As a Spiritual Director, I’m on the lookout for “fake Jesus.” 
 
Whether during the very first session or sometime later through conversation, Ignatian contemplation or other kinds of guided prayer, the Jesus that a person has internalized arises.
 
Remember, a person doesn’t have to be a Christian to have an image of Jesus that dwells within them, impacting the way they think about or view anything Jesus-related.
 
Our image of Jesus, like our image of God, matters. 
 
This image is often pieced together in childhood.  Early paper cutouts with fuzzy backs stuck to flannel boards, the voice and actions of a parent, pastor, or Sunday School teacher, experiences in Vacation Bible School, childhood books and pictures...
 
In fact, it appears that even the Gospel writers may have pieced together a “Jesus” that didn’t always align with the authentic Jesus.  Stephen Mitchell in his book, The Gospel According to Jesus: A New Translation and Guide to His Essential Teachings for Believers and Unbelievers, reveals how the early church writers included not only words and actions that Jesus likely said and did (since he didn't write anything down himself), BUT they also included words and actions they and their community needed him to say or do to fit their own beliefs! 

If what “Jesus” says is in opposition to the authentic Jesus’ main teachings (especially loving God and your neighbor as yourself), there’s a good chance the writer is making Jesus in his own image.  This same “making-Jesus-in-our-own-image”  and having him align with our own beliefs is on blatant display this political season!
 
Now rather than being threatened by Mitchell’s idea, I find it’s helpful in developing skills in discernment.  Remember, Scripture is “living” which means it “speaks” to us as we wrestle with it (which is to join in the lineage of the literal name of Israel!).   It changes as we change and grow.  Try living with a particular text, a story, a single Scripture for a month and notice how it changes (& how it changes you)!  There is no end to new and deeper insights.     
 
Back to our images of Jesus…these images are rarely questioned. 
 
When an internal voice is associated with Jesus, a person automatically thinks it’s Jesus! 
So rather than simply agreeing with them, I listen to the person describe their interaction (always keeping in the back of my mind Jesus’ authentic teachings and his nature as revealed by his authentic teachings).  Sometimes I’ll hear them say things like “Jesus has to knock me upside my head to get my attention.” If during a guided prayer, a door or a place of darkness often appears, “Jesus” will tell them not to look or go through it, to only focus on the light. 
 
Curiosity is helpful here.  I’ll ask, “Whose voice does Jesus’ remind you of?” or “Why don’t you go back into your imagination and simply observe Jesus for a moment, what do you see?” 
 
Every single time, there is surprise. 
 
The response is often:
“My whole life I thought it was Jesus’ voice I was hearing but it was actually my father’s!”  

"Oh wow, now that I'm looking closer, He looks like a flannel board Jesus.  Kind of flimsy, not able to open the door.” 

“Jesus doesn’t really have much substance, he’s ghost-like, but as I watch he’s becoming more human.” 
 
And when Jesus becomes more human, more of his authentic self, they experience His great tenderness and strength.  In doing so, their own tenderness and strength is called forth. 

With this Jesus, they find they are able to open doors and enter into places of darkness they never thought they could.  With this Jesus, they are able to love the parts of themselves and the people they never thought possible. 

In other words, in coming in contact with the authentic Jesus, they are able to love their neighbor as they love themselves!      

Finding yourself triggered more than usual with thoughts and feelings of rage, resentment, and judgment?  I know I am.

And it's not just toward others (we'll focus on that next week)!

What are we to do with inner voices of critique and judgment, chronic dissatisfaction and frustration?  How do we not let ourselves be beat up by them? Is there another way?

Jesus once summed up the entire Scriptures by saying, “'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Matthew 22:37-38)
 
“Loving your neighbor as yourself” is to “loving the Lord your God,” as the moon is to the sun. 
The former reflects the latter.  

Like the line from his prayer to the Father, “Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven,“ Jesus teaches and prays for wholeness—inner and outer continuity, authenticity, alignment.  Oneness with God, self, and neighbor.   
 
“Loving yourself” is inextricably linked to “loving your neighbor.”  Think of those best friends necklaces with two halves, both are needed to make the heart whole.  
 
So let's begin with our part--ourselves.

Tell me, how are you loving yourself these days? 
How would you characterize your inner conversations?  Are they best friends necklace worthy?  Is your inner landscape characterized by harmony and peace?   What/who is your inner world reflecting?  
 
Given I resonate with a One on the Enneagram, inner critique and compulsive improvement of myself (& others) along with their counterparts of rage and resentment are easily accessible.  They are often lurking, looking to supplant the inner voice of Love.  When that happens, I cannot relax so compulsive doing is often the result (and a red flag).  
 
Recently, someone brought up a class series I taught a while ago and said that what continues to stick with her most was how I started every class with the invitation to be curious. 

I usually write these three phrases at the top of the dry erase board or handout:                                      
                                   “Be curious.  Be compassionate.  Be aware”

Given the subject matter is designed to go deeper, I know most classes will challenge our surface-level survival self (our ego).  In response, people can expect to experience resistance (and all manner of feelings).  That's not bad.  There's wisdom in the resistance if we look. 

Given what we're presented with on a daily basis right now, there's plenty of subject matter to challenge our survival selves, isn't there?! 

At any moment, fear may be triggered, or anxiety, anger, resentment, rage, envy, sadness, guilt, shame, even numbness and avoidance.  Instead of harmonious, our inner world begins to look like a daily war zone where there isn't the space or ability to give and receive love since it's all about surviving the day.  

What can bring peace to the inner chaos?  Certainly not more "shoulds"!

Fortunately, God offers us paths of peace.

One that I've found is choosing curiosity over critique. It almost immediately relaxes inner tension, opening me to the inner voice of Love.  Remember, it was Moses’ curiosity that caused him to stop what he was doing and take a closer look at the burning bush.  From inside the fire, the Voice of Love spoke to him.    

Try it.  Be curious.

• When do you most often berate yourself?  Why? 
• What is the tone of this inner voice?  Do you associate it with anyone’s particular voice?
• How does your face and body respond to hearing the inner critic? (ex. heat or flush, tension in your chest, shallow breathing, furrowed brow, headache, agitation…)     
• What and who most often triggers that particular inner voice of judgement?

 
Once becoming aware of the tone, physical sensations, and triggers, then the next time you experience them, rather than continuing down the path of self-condemnation which can lead to inward or outward lashing out, pause.  

Turn your compassionate gaze toward that inner burning (or numbness) and be curious:   

• “Hmmm…let me take a closer look…what’s going on here?”
• I notice my jaw tightening and I can’t take a deep breath. 
• I was just watching television.  What did I see that may have sparked the tension which feels like frustration or anger?
• What’s the frustration or anger trying to say or make me aware of? 

 
Let's play with this concept of curiosity with ourselves.  Next week we'll consider curiosity with others.

Recently my daughter started fencing.   

It's been the perfect socially-distanced sport...masked, gloved, and if you come within 6 feet, you get stabbed!
     
Still in her uniform after practice one day, she put on her helmet, pulled out her épée, and walked outside as I sat on the porch.  She began practicing her stance.  Noticing it had changed since June, I asked her what she had been doing differently.

"Well, my coach said I would get tired if I was constantly holding my left arm up in a flexed position and he pointed out how I kept rising into the stance.  He told me to relax my arm and settle into the stance instead." 

Then off-the-cuff she added, "So don't rise to the challenge, Mom, relax into it!"

Rather than "en garde," it caught me "off guard"! 

What happens when we discount small actions or fear the possibility of humiliation?

We may not act at all.

When we embrace both, we’re free to act.

Any life-giving act, no matter how small, matters.

According to Jesus, the Kingdom of God is like a mustard seed someone planted or like yeast a woman worked through a large amount of dough.

Both the mustard seed and yeast required action from someone to bring about their potential.

Both seed & yeast, the required action, and even the people may seem small and even hidden.

Both may be small and hidden, but some actions require more (planting a seed is easier than kneading yeast through 60 lbs of dough!)

Both contain big potential to benefit an entire community, offering nourishment in a variety of ways:

• Food for the hungry (and that which gives food flavor!)
• Healing of wounds (mustard seed has medicinal value and breaking bread together is its own kind of relational medicine)
• Beauty for all the senses (see, smell, touch, listen, taste)
• Long-term housing, short-term respite, and more!

All of this from two small actions!
If we're going to be sowers of seed and kneaders of the Bread of Life, know this...

Action is never humiliation-proof.

According to Fr. Richard Rohr, we're to pray for one good humiliation a day!
What a way to stay humble and inevitably learn that humiliation is often a gateway to transformation! I promise you, especially if you, like me, are White (& an Enneagram One), it will happen as you enter into the on-going work of antiracism.

Last fall, my daughter and I went to a weekend seminar to hear Nobel peace prize nominee, Fr. John Dear, talk about “Jesus as Peacemaker.”

It’s been a constant part of our conversations ever since, becoming richer with insights from others. Earlier this year, Abby Buter pointed out the difference between being a “Peacekeeper” and a “Peacemaker” during the “Meditating with the Aramaic Beatitudes” class. The distinction is important…Jesus was the latter & said it’s the latter who are blessed.

Fr. Dear gave my daughter a new language of nonviolence and she’s been quick to point out when I’m not (& other Christians aren’t) following in the footsteps of the nonviolent Jesus…oh the blessings of having a teenager in the house!

But she’s right. And having it pointed out can be humiliating.

When my children saw the video and photos of George Floyd, they were distraught.
The conversation around Jesus and nonviolence needed to be taken to the next level.

I decided to begin with my own faults and humiliations so they would learn not to fear their own.

Around the dinner table, I told them stories from my own life of how I have thought, said, or did things that contributed to racism and upheld racist beliefs and systems. We talked about the reality of having inherited racist ideas as a culture and how Western Christianity’s own “superiority complex” has added to the problem by often making us overtly or covertly feel like we are definitely on the “winning team” and others are not.

I told them of when I was a youth pastor and met with a community organizer after having spent time in Mississippi with Dr. John Perkins who encouraged me to do the same kind of community and racial reconciliation work with our students in our Missouri town rather than go elsewhere. Conversations with a couple of Black pastors in the area led me to talk to the Black community organizer. After telling him what I wanted to do, he laughed, and I felt humiliated.

He pointed out how it was fine that I wanted to bring my students from the north side to the south side to help paint or whatever, BUT, it still didn’t change the fact that what the predominately Black kids on the south side were using as a community center was an old building that no one else wanted (but the kids were still happy to have) while the predominately White kids on the north side enjoyed a brand new top-of-the-line sports complex. It was an eye-opening conversation.

Noticing my humiliation and naivete, he said, “I like you” then continued to challenge my White privilege.

Doing “good work” and being a “good person” weren’t enough. At the end of our time, he still put me in touch with those who could help me line up service projects and then he sent me on my way (which included crossing a threshold I had no idea I would be crossing when I first walked in there).

It was later that I could see how he was trying to open my eyes to the larger systemic problem of racial inequality and the problem of “White Savior Complex”--- our White Christian youth group would feel good about “helping” but the larger problems would still exist after we left (& in some cases our help would further uphold the problematic systems).

Looking back, I’m grateful for the humiliation! Why?

• It has shaped conversations. From those within my student ministry years ago to the discussion with my kids around the dinner table, and front yard conversations with neighbors
• It has shaped how I encourage others to ask questions and start conversations. Recently my son mentioned not seeing or hearing as much about the protests and wondering what that meant (it was an important question and he had some beautiful insights for a 9-year-old!).
• It has shaped decisions. From digging deeper into voting issues or simply being on the lookout for everyday opportunities for learning and awareness

Last month the opportunity to join an online discussion group facilitated by a Black friend from high school on the book, How to Be An Antiracist, came up. Aside: I've enjoyed listening to author, Ibram X. Kendi, read the audio version; often my kids listen, too.
I knew a good humiliation (or more!) would come as I listened, shared, and became even more deeply aware of my ignorance both in high school and now (i.e. How did I not or how have I continued to not see, know, or consider this before?).

However, experience tells me that humiliation need not stand in the way (and often is the way!).

Do the conversations with family, friends, and neighbors matter? Does the discussion group matter?

Refer to Jesus’ parables on the mustard seed and yeast.


______________
Two resources for ongoing learning, awareness & action:

• The Sisters of Mercy's 5-Week Antiracism Education Chart- simple ways to “Watch, Listen, Learn, Act, & Pray”
• Local Antiracism Efforts & Education through Everyone’s Wilson & Providence Church

If the image of traffic was too stressful for you last week, here's a gentler way of viewing the distractions that arise during our time of meditation.  You'll especially like this image if you are a fan of fall (like I am)!  

Picture each distraction, whether it's an external noise or an internal thought, feeling, memory, image, or bodily sensation, as leaves floating down your stream of consciousness.  

As we close or lower our eyes in meditation, we turn our attention from engaging what is going on outside of ourselves to an awareness of what is going on inside of ourselves.  And guess what?  There's usually plenty going on!  Should we be surprised?!  Besides the movie reel of images, here's a peek at what floats down the stream of my consciousness:

This quiet is so nice!
Is that a leaf-blower?
I need to figure out how to...
I need to email ____, ____, and ____ as soon as I'm done with meditation.
I forgot to drop that card in the mail!
Yes, that's what I'm going to fix for dinner.
Oh, that's how I can do...
Am I breathing deeply?
Why do I feel anxiety right now?
I need to get that event on the calendar.
Should I scratch that itch on my face or wait until it goes away?
I am still angry about what happened last week!
I wonder what they thought about what I said.
He had such a great idea, I'd never thought of that before!
Here's an idea as to how to open that class...perfect.
Why didn't I think of that last week?
That author's theology is way off...
This theological issue is a tough one...
I need to get snacks for the baseball game tonight. 
I need to use the restroom, should I just wait or pause the meditation timer? 
I'm really enjoying the changing shadows and light from the sun through the trees.  
She's really hurting, how can I help her more?
Why didn't she text me back?
My hands feel hot, wonder what that means.
I'm still laughing about what he said.
Why can't I be more peaceful today?
I'm not good at meditation at all!
I should be better at meditation given I'm a teacher of it!
I just felt completely calm for a minute there.  
Why can't I have more than a minute of my mind at rest?

And that's just a peek at one 20-minute session of Centering Prayer!  
Now some days I let those thoughts, feelings, images, and bodily sensations just float on down the stream of consciousness.

But other days I lean over and pick a leaf out of the stream and begin examining it!  Pretty soon, I've left the present moment of calm awareness and am meditating on and mulling over whatever that particular thought or feeling presented. 

In that moment, instead of consenting to God's presence and action in my life, I've picked up control again!  I'm running back to the past or into the future.  My ego mind does not believe I have time for meditation.  It does not trust I can survive (or perhaps the deeper issue is it doesn't feel I will be loved) without doing, planning, figuring out, being hyper-vigilant about, actively seeking a solution to, or at least evaluating how I am doing with something...even if it's meditation!  

When I become aware that I've left the time of calm awareness and consent (sometimes it takes a few moments before I notice), the noticing itself acts as a release.  Setting that leaf back down in the stream, I often "come home" to being with God by gently saying a sacred word.  This sacred word or phrase might be Love, Jesus, Peace, Breathe, Thank You, Be Still... For me, my sacred word happens to be Home.  This word grew out of a year of reflecting on the Prodigal Son and my own mind's tendency to run away.  Other times I "come home" by listening to the sounds in the room or even my own breathing.  

My practice looks different every day.  The stream may be pretty crowded with leaves while other times I am aware of just a few floating gently by.  Some days I find myself leaning over and picking up leaf after leaf.  Other days I find there are only a couple of leaves grabbing my attention.  

No matter!  The leaves and what I do or don't do with them don't represent success or failure (such evaluation is an ego/conceptual mind game!).  This is just how my practice looked on a particular day.  I may have had forty-seven opportunities to come home again...what a grace! Or, I may have received the gift of contemplation. Resting in front of the deep hearth within, gazing out the window at the beautiful fall leaves floating downstream.

​Who are you not being or what are you not doing because you fear how you will appear in the eyes of others?

What reputation are you trying to uphold?  

I've spent tons of energy on my good, Christian girl image for as long as I can remember.

And being in ministry my whole adult life has not provided relief.  At times, this has intensified the inner critic that reminds me that I have a reputation as a Christian leader and spiritual guide to uphold.  

Quite frankly, I've given way too much thought as to how things like changing my theological stances to not-every-Sunday-church-attendance affect my reputation (case in point, I just gave way too much thought in writing this sentence!).  

I have often chosen rule-following over following my heart.  And the many times I have boldly followed the still, small voice within, my inner critic who abides there as well, has often stolen, killed, and destroyed the freedom found in the following.  Fearing outer criticism causes such unnecessary inner turmoil!  

Some say we begin to care what other people think in middle school.

My daughter started middle school this year.  She told my husband and I that she wanted us both to be at the bus stop with her.  I thought after the first day or two she would probably like us to remain at a safe distance.  I was wrong.

She wants us there everyday and even wants a hug before she climbs into the bus!  Part of me loves this.  And I have to admit, even though she feels not a hint of embarrassment, a part of me feels a twinge of it for her as I see the other middle schoolers looking out the window of a full bus.  Maybe I'm feeling over-protective (if she won't protect her image, I will!) or maybe it's the middle school girl in me still caring what others think.  Why risk it?  
 
One morning last week I sat at the kitchen table after an all-night headache with little sleep. I told her, "Your dad will have to go with you to the bus stop, I don't think you'll want me along." She said, "Why not?"  I said, "Look at me, I'm still in my pajamas!"  She replied, "You had a hard night, of course you are, but I don't care, it's not like I have a reputation I need to defend!"  

I looked at her bewildered.  Have I ever not thought I had a reputation I needed to defend?!

Then I held up my hand and said, "You need a high-five because you'll be good to go if you can keep that sentiment through middle school."  She laughed.  Oh the freedom to authentically be who you are and do what your heart desires no matter what others think!  

We both walked her to the bus stop (although I did change out of my pajamas).  

After she climbed on the bus, I looked at my husband and said, "Who is that child?" Then I told him how her response immediately ambushed my weary heart, speaking into my own life of places where I've been overly concerned about how I appear in the eyes of others. 

If a middle school girl can wholeheartedly choose what is inside over what others think of her on the outside, then perhaps I can, too.  Oh the freedom!  God knows it's time.  

By the way, the next morning she pointed to us and said, "I may not have a reputation to defend, but let's not do this again!"  We had unknowingly put on matching t-shirts to walk her to the bus stop!  I appreciated her authenticity.  Both of us cringed as the bus drove past.

I am grateful for freedom.
And to those who have made my freedom(s) possible.  

I am grateful I have the right to vote and worship God how I choose.  I am grateful I got to marry who I chose.   I am grateful I do not live in daily fear in or outside my home.

And yet in the midst of all of my gratitude this July 4th, I am reminded of Frederick Buechner's words about peace in Wishful Thinking: 

"...we are homeless even so in the sense of having homes but not being really at home in them. To be really at home is to be really at peace, and there can be no real peace for any of us until there is some measure of real peace for all of us. When we close our eyes to the deep needs of other people, whether they live on the streets or under our own roof-and when we close our eyes to our own deep need to reach out to them-we can never be fully at home anywhere." 

I think the same can be said about freedom.  Can there even be real peace without freedom?  

Will you join me this July 4th in asking the question, "Who is not free yet?"  
Who is not free to worship how they choose?
Who is not free to marry who they choose to?
Who lives in fear inside/outside of their home?  
Who has no voice in religious, political, and business institutions?

It shouldn't take too long to identify at least one person if not an entire group of people.
 
Then with the voice of the Holy Spirit and the entire tradition of the Holy Scriptures urging us on, let's take the next step and do something about it.  Like those who gave their lives for our country's freedom.   

Then this will truly be "the land of the free and home of the brave."