I was supposed to be traveling today to Saint Meinrad Archabbey for a yearly 4-day Silent Retreat. 

It's one of my favorite places.  I am always excited about facilitating this deep dive into the gift of Silence.  Words don't do it justice.

BUT the pandemic threw a wrench in my (& everyone's) plans.  So, I decided that even though I won't be facilitating a retreat, I can share with you the theme that I picked out for it last year and we can enter into it wherever we find ourselves. 

​We can still pray: ​

​If there's ever been a time to pray this prayer that was written in the spirit of Saint Francis of Assisi, 700 years after his death by Father Esther Couqerel of France in 1912, it is now!
 
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope
Where there is darkness, light
And where there is sadness, joy

O Divine Master, grant that I may
Not so much seek to be consoled as to console
To be understood, as to understand
To be loved, as to love
For it is in giving that we receive
And it is in pardoning that we are pardoned
And it's in dying that we are born to Eternal Life
Amen.

________________
"Blessed are the peacemakers," said Jesus, "for they will be called children of God."   

To be a peacemaker does not mean:

• We are peacekeepers.  (Consider the difference).
• We simply enjoy peace.      
• We don't have strong opinions.    
• We don't speak up or speak out.

To be a peacemaker means we not only pray and enjoy peace, but we actively work for peace.  For everyone.  Not just ourselves.  However, receiving inner peace enables us to extend outer peace...hence, the silent retreats. 

Silence offers an opportunity to slow down, to quiet the outer voices that we may look within and discover the inner voice of the God of Peace.   

Will you join me in reflecting, meditating, walking, dancing, stretching, playing, singing, resting, and working with this prayer over the next 4 days? 

Praying it first for yourself and your internal world: 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace toward myself...

Then praying it for those outside of yourself.  Praying it on behalf of not only your family and nation, but the whole world.
 
Praying to embody the words as you come in contact with the world--from those in your own house to the grocery store and social media.

Let's breathe in and out the words of the "Prayer of St. Francis" and in so doing, may we become instruments and children of the God of Peace.  

A couple of weeks ago, I walked into the bedroom, closed the door,  and collapsed on the floor in tears. 

I was done in that moment. My inner storm clouds were too heavy and calling for release. 

There's a lot going on in our world, isn't there?  For many, there is a lot going on in their personal world as well.  

Adding virtual school to my mix and constantly hearing, "Mom!" so many times that I've begun to hear it even when no one's calling, was my breaking point.

Conversations with others who are feeling the weight of the world and going through their own personal crises have revealed a "grin and bear it" attitude.  Trying hard to ignore the tension and anxiety they continue on even as they feel the inner storm clouds growing more and more each day.
   
One thing I've learned from my indoor cat is that if she doesn't get her playtime in, she doesn't get her anxiety out which leads to other issues (i.e. not using the litterbox).  She's got to release the tension of the day through leaping, running, and chasing. 

Following her lead, I've tried to be mindful about moving anxiety out of my body, too—shaking, squeezing, twisting—through at-home Zumba, barre workouts, and yoga. This release is helpful but one thing is missing...cleansing. 

Crying is physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually cleansing.
It needs to be added to our personal self-care practices.  It already is an ancient spiritual practice for individuals and communities called lament (though you may hear of few congregations who practice it).  

It's as natural for us to cry as clouds to rain.  So why do we often "hold it in"?   

When I offer Distance Reiki, in the majority of my sessions, I have tears come to my eyes at some point.  As parts of a client's body release, I feel a rush of energy in my own body, causing the common "lump in my throat" followed by tears.  What was released inside is ready to be released outside.  Upon mentioning it to the client afterwards, they always shake their head, "yes."  For they either began to cry during the session or felt the lump in the throat, knowing they need to give themselves permission for a good cleansing cry sooner than later. 

I once had a client that wept and shook mightily during an in-person Reiki session (with eyes remaining closed but tears streaming).  Afterwards they had no idea they were shaking so much but said they weren't surprised, for they came desiring long-held trauma to leave their body and it had.       

So is it time for a good cleansing cry for you?  Or will you continue to hold it in and put it off?
Imagine clouds getting heavier and heavier and refusing to let go and rain...can you feel those clouds in your body?  

After a rainstorm, everything feels lighter.   

That's what happened for me.  An hour after light crying with intermittent gut-level sobbing, my head was clear, my body relaxed, I felt at peace.  I opened the door, now ready to walk out and tend to whoever called, "Mom!" first.     

Recently my daughter started fencing.   

It's been the perfect socially-distanced sport...masked, gloved, and if you come within 6 feet, you get stabbed!
     
Still in her uniform after practice one day, she put on her helmet, pulled out her épée, and walked outside as I sat on the porch.  She began practicing her stance.  Noticing it had changed since June, I asked her what she had been doing differently.

"Well, my coach said I would get tired if I was constantly holding my left arm up in a flexed position and he pointed out how I kept rising into the stance.  He told me to relax my arm and settle into the stance instead." 

Then off-the-cuff she added, "So don't rise to the challenge, Mom, relax into it!"

Rather than "en garde," it caught me "off guard"! 

What happens when we discount small actions or fear the possibility of humiliation?

We may not act at all.

When we embrace both, we’re free to act.

Any life-giving act, no matter how small, matters.

According to Jesus, the Kingdom of God is like a mustard seed someone planted or like yeast a woman worked through a large amount of dough.

Both the mustard seed and yeast required action from someone to bring about their potential.

Both seed & yeast, the required action, and even the people may seem small and even hidden.

Both may be small and hidden, but some actions require more (planting a seed is easier than kneading yeast through 60 lbs of dough!)

Both contain big potential to benefit an entire community, offering nourishment in a variety of ways:

• Food for the hungry (and that which gives food flavor!)
• Healing of wounds (mustard seed has medicinal value and breaking bread together is its own kind of relational medicine)
• Beauty for all the senses (see, smell, touch, listen, taste)
• Long-term housing, short-term respite, and more!

All of this from two small actions!
If we're going to be sowers of seed and kneaders of the Bread of Life, know this...

Action is never humiliation-proof.

According to Fr. Richard Rohr, we're to pray for one good humiliation a day!
What a way to stay humble and inevitably learn that humiliation is often a gateway to transformation! I promise you, especially if you, like me, are White (& an Enneagram One), it will happen as you enter into the on-going work of antiracism.

Last fall, my daughter and I went to a weekend seminar to hear Nobel peace prize nominee, Fr. John Dear, talk about “Jesus as Peacemaker.”

It’s been a constant part of our conversations ever since, becoming richer with insights from others. Earlier this year, Abby Buter pointed out the difference between being a “Peacekeeper” and a “Peacemaker” during the “Meditating with the Aramaic Beatitudes” class. The distinction is important…Jesus was the latter & said it’s the latter who are blessed.

Fr. Dear gave my daughter a new language of nonviolence and she’s been quick to point out when I’m not (& other Christians aren’t) following in the footsteps of the nonviolent Jesus…oh the blessings of having a teenager in the house!

But she’s right. And having it pointed out can be humiliating.

When my children saw the video and photos of George Floyd, they were distraught.
The conversation around Jesus and nonviolence needed to be taken to the next level.

I decided to begin with my own faults and humiliations so they would learn not to fear their own.

Around the dinner table, I told them stories from my own life of how I have thought, said, or did things that contributed to racism and upheld racist beliefs and systems. We talked about the reality of having inherited racist ideas as a culture and how Western Christianity’s own “superiority complex” has added to the problem by often making us overtly or covertly feel like we are definitely on the “winning team” and others are not.

I told them of when I was a youth pastor and met with a community organizer after having spent time in Mississippi with Dr. John Perkins who encouraged me to do the same kind of community and racial reconciliation work with our students in our Missouri town rather than go elsewhere. Conversations with a couple of Black pastors in the area led me to talk to the Black community organizer. After telling him what I wanted to do, he laughed, and I felt humiliated.

He pointed out how it was fine that I wanted to bring my students from the north side to the south side to help paint or whatever, BUT, it still didn’t change the fact that what the predominately Black kids on the south side were using as a community center was an old building that no one else wanted (but the kids were still happy to have) while the predominately White kids on the north side enjoyed a brand new top-of-the-line sports complex. It was an eye-opening conversation.

Noticing my humiliation and naivete, he said, “I like you” then continued to challenge my White privilege.

Doing “good work” and being a “good person” weren’t enough. At the end of our time, he still put me in touch with those who could help me line up service projects and then he sent me on my way (which included crossing a threshold I had no idea I would be crossing when I first walked in there).

It was later that I could see how he was trying to open my eyes to the larger systemic problem of racial inequality and the problem of “White Savior Complex”--- our White Christian youth group would feel good about “helping” but the larger problems would still exist after we left (& in some cases our help would further uphold the problematic systems).

Looking back, I’m grateful for the humiliation! Why?

• It has shaped conversations. From those within my student ministry years ago to the discussion with my kids around the dinner table, and front yard conversations with neighbors
• It has shaped how I encourage others to ask questions and start conversations. Recently my son mentioned not seeing or hearing as much about the protests and wondering what that meant (it was an important question and he had some beautiful insights for a 9-year-old!).
• It has shaped decisions. From digging deeper into voting issues or simply being on the lookout for everyday opportunities for learning and awareness

Last month the opportunity to join an online discussion group facilitated by a Black friend from high school on the book, How to Be An Antiracist, came up. Aside: I've enjoyed listening to author, Ibram X. Kendi, read the audio version; often my kids listen, too.
I knew a good humiliation (or more!) would come as I listened, shared, and became even more deeply aware of my ignorance both in high school and now (i.e. How did I not or how have I continued to not see, know, or consider this before?).

However, experience tells me that humiliation need not stand in the way (and often is the way!).

Do the conversations with family, friends, and neighbors matter? Does the discussion group matter?

Refer to Jesus’ parables on the mustard seed and yeast.


______________
Two resources for ongoing learning, awareness & action:

• The Sisters of Mercy's 5-Week Antiracism Education Chart- simple ways to “Watch, Listen, Learn, Act, & Pray”
• Local Antiracism Efforts & Education through Everyone’s Wilson & Providence Church

A poem I wrote right after a time of listening prayer six years ago.  It recently came to mind as I was thinking about meditation.  Meditation can calm the mind.  In doing so, perhaps it offers an opportunity for the soul to remind us of what it's known & trusted since we were ages five and one!  

​
God, I pray that Lainey
and Alex come to know
You

They already do.

Okay God, then I pray they
come to trust
You.

They already do.

Then God,
help them not to
forget.

(Pause)

Amen.

​Who are you not being or what are you not doing because you fear how you will appear in the eyes of others?

What reputation are you trying to uphold?  

I've spent tons of energy on my good, Christian girl image for as long as I can remember.

And being in ministry my whole adult life has not provided relief.  At times, this has intensified the inner critic that reminds me that I have a reputation as a Christian leader and spiritual guide to uphold.  

Quite frankly, I've given way too much thought as to how things like changing my theological stances to not-every-Sunday-church-attendance affect my reputation (case in point, I just gave way too much thought in writing this sentence!).  

I have often chosen rule-following over following my heart.  And the many times I have boldly followed the still, small voice within, my inner critic who abides there as well, has often stolen, killed, and destroyed the freedom found in the following.  Fearing outer criticism causes such unnecessary inner turmoil!  

Some say we begin to care what other people think in middle school.

My daughter started middle school this year.  She told my husband and I that she wanted us both to be at the bus stop with her.  I thought after the first day or two she would probably like us to remain at a safe distance.  I was wrong.

She wants us there everyday and even wants a hug before she climbs into the bus!  Part of me loves this.  And I have to admit, even though she feels not a hint of embarrassment, a part of me feels a twinge of it for her as I see the other middle schoolers looking out the window of a full bus.  Maybe I'm feeling over-protective (if she won't protect her image, I will!) or maybe it's the middle school girl in me still caring what others think.  Why risk it?  
 
One morning last week I sat at the kitchen table after an all-night headache with little sleep. I told her, "Your dad will have to go with you to the bus stop, I don't think you'll want me along." She said, "Why not?"  I said, "Look at me, I'm still in my pajamas!"  She replied, "You had a hard night, of course you are, but I don't care, it's not like I have a reputation I need to defend!"  

I looked at her bewildered.  Have I ever not thought I had a reputation I needed to defend?!

Then I held up my hand and said, "You need a high-five because you'll be good to go if you can keep that sentiment through middle school."  She laughed.  Oh the freedom to authentically be who you are and do what your heart desires no matter what others think!  

We both walked her to the bus stop (although I did change out of my pajamas).  

After she climbed on the bus, I looked at my husband and said, "Who is that child?" Then I told him how her response immediately ambushed my weary heart, speaking into my own life of places where I've been overly concerned about how I appear in the eyes of others. 

If a middle school girl can wholeheartedly choose what is inside over what others think of her on the outside, then perhaps I can, too.  Oh the freedom!  God knows it's time.  

By the way, the next morning she pointed to us and said, "I may not have a reputation to defend, but let's not do this again!"  We had unknowingly put on matching t-shirts to walk her to the bus stop!  I appreciated her authenticity.  Both of us cringed as the bus drove past.

Like a blazing sun your light shines...
my fears flee from your sight,
your fire consumes them.
​Psalm 21:9

Yesterday was my daughter's birthday.  
An eclipse-chasing friend of ours in Seattle has been reminding us of this epic birthday since we first announced we were moving to Tennessee. 

He's most certainly an eclipse prophet, for it absolutely lived up to all the hype he continually forecasted for 9 1/2 years!

Given it's the day after, you've already proclaimed, heard, or read the descriptions like unbelievable, beautiful, incredible,  amazing, epic...

And having a birthday fall on the eclipse was a once-in-a-life-time event.  But the scene I want to recall isn't about my daughter's "totality" cool birthday, but my 7-year-old son's experience of totality.  

During the partial eclipse we sat on our porch, watching my 11-year-old open some gifts and taking "moon bites" out of cucumber slices then checking the moon's progress to see who guessed correctly.  We also read Psalm 21 in Nan Merrill's Psalms for Praying.  We couldn't help but laugh as we read verse nine...perfect, even the Psalms were in alignment.

My son was super excited, describing how big of a bite the moon had taken out of the sun, checking NASA's website and announcing when we could see the sun's corona in Oregon. Then 7 minutes away from totality here in the Nashville-area, he melted down in absolute terror.  

With the shift in temperature and light, overwhelming fear descended upon him as he became aware that he was about to experience for himself what he had only read or talked about or experienced through the stories of others.  

Being in total darkness during the daytime and seeing the diamond ring effect in-person sank into his little mind.  He was nearly inconsolable as we all laid down on a blanket in our front yard to look up into the sky through eclipse glasses.  All of us were trying to pay attention to the moon while at the same time reassure him.  Even as he was being held tightly by his daddy, he was still yelling, "I'm scared, I'm scared!" as the sun and moon approached perfect alignment.

Then totality happened.  

We took off our glasses and gazed at a sight so other-worldly that we sat bolt upright.  At that very instant, his fears fled just like the Psalmist said they would!  

He then proceeded to melt down because after seeing it, he wanted more than a taste (just as the Psalmist said he would)! 

As a spiritual director, I witness a similar scene with silent retreats.  

People sign up for a silent retreat full of anticipation.  It is something unique they have never done before and in this culture it's also very rare (even among Christians).  They tell friends and family who laugh or scratch their heads not knowing why someone would pay to go be in silence!  

Then the day comes.  It's about to become real.

Some are nearly hyperventilating due to anxiety (that's no exaggeration). Getting ready to head into extended silence for the first time brings all kinds of fears to the surface.    

Yet at some point, as they slowly sink into the Silence, they begin to align with the Spirit of God within them (who has been there the whole time, holding them even as they've inwardly screamed, "I'm scared!  I'm scared!").  

Then totality happens.  
And this indescribable union with the Beloved sends their fears fleeing.  

At the end of the retreat, the very people who were so full of panic at the beginning are now in tears because they want the experience to last longer.  They find themselves fumbling to find the words to describe what their tears are already saying...that was epic.  

• Interested in a silent retreat?  No need to wait 7 years!  Check out the upcoming retreats.

​  


 

It's the first day of middle school for my daughter. 

In June, a handful of 6th grade girls met in my living room for their first summer prayer group. The practice I had picked out for them was a prayer inviting them to receive God's love through the person who loves them most (I wrote about the practice in an earlier post).

When they closed their eyes, I told them to bring a person who loves them most to mind and consider what special gift that person offers them.  Then after they silently expressed gratitude for that person, I asked them if they could receive that this person is a "face of God."  And the way this person loves them is the very way God was offering them love right that moment!  After a few more moments in silence, they spent some time journaling and then we opened the time for sharing. 

Guess what?  The special gift of the people that came to each of their minds was the same!  
This should offer us some insight.

What was the gift?  How was God wanting to love them?  Through playfulness and humor!

Was this your image of God in middle school?  Is this part of your image of God now?  

Yet it is the very image that God, the Originator of Playfulness and Creator of Humor, wanted to share with them.  It makes sense too, doesn't it?  They (and their parents) will need tons of playfulness and a life-giving sense of humor as they enter and seek to survive middle school!  

And on this morning, God has not disappointed.  The person my daughter brought to mind in June, her little brother, had her giggling with his silliness and the way he accidentally swapped words around when he said, "The mow looks perfectly yarded!" She laughed all the way to the bus stop.  

I could not have asked for a better way to begin her first day of middle school.    
It was the perfect reminder to her nervous parents that the playful, humorous God was near.

• Can you allow God to love you with playfulness and humor today?  
• Is there an area of your life in which you need the playfulness and humor of God?  
• If you find it difficult, you might prayerfully ask to be shown God's humor and playfulness this week.

Driving my kids back to Tennessee from my rowdy and fun family's 65th reunion in Pennsylvania several weeks ago, I asked my kids to tell me about their favorite moments of our trip.

My shy 10-year-old daughter said, "Well, my favorite thing is that I surprised myself...I actually carried on conversations with people!  I was even funny.  AND, I surprised myself because I actually enjoyed it!"

Her surprise was met by my own, for I was not only overjoyed but completely caught off-guard, not expecting to hear this out of my quiet, catlike girl, especially not as her favorite part of the trip!  It was a good reminder of how we often pigeonhole ourselves and others.  

The term "pigeonhole" was first used in 1864 to describe placing a person or thing in a narrow or confined category that resembles a literal hole a pigeon roosts in.  As you can imagine and see from the picture, the borders of the pigeonholes tend to be pretty rigid so it's up to the one roosting to leave the safety of the confined space.   

Speaking from experience, we often let our expectations keep us from discovering and entering into the "new thing" the Spirit of God is inviting us to discover, whether it be within or without. Instead we keep rehearsing (& posting) old stories and viewpoints.  A look over our social media posts or reflecting on recent conversations inside our heads or with others can reveal a pigeonhole or two we roost in.  
 
But might our continued pigeonholing be fear in disguise?  For once we venture outside a particular pigeonhole we can no longer dwell within that hole again. After my daughter said she surprised herself by enjoying a conversation, she can no longer claim she's too shy to carry on a conversation (or enjoy doing so)!  

Bursting out of the pigeonhole takes courage...what a beautiful spiritual practice she invited me (and now you) into!  Let's try it:
   
*  Take a moment and look at the above pigeonholes.  Maybe even sketch them out and put a word in each box that you would use to describe yourself (begin with yourself then branch out to another person or situation).  

*  Now let the below words from Isaiah 43 or II Corinthians 5 blow through your pigeonholes.  
“Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?"  

"...we don’t evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don’t look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it!"

*  Whether experienced as a gentle breeze or wild wind, stay with it for a few moments.  Notice which words are being ruffled.  You may experience this as a feeling of resistance or fear around a particular word, you may have immediate knowledge as to which word is being blown forward, or you may be more visual and imagine how the words are affected.

*  Is there a particular pigeonhole you're being invited to step out of?  Write it down, pray, and tell someone!   This will help you spread your wings and fly, carried by the currents of the Ruach, the Holy Wind.  And, you may even find, much to your surprise, you enjoy it!