By the end of December, I was exhausted.  The joy of journeying with the first cohort in Wisdom Tree Collective's School of Spiritual Direction (more about that next month!), was overshadowed by a deep weariness.  And I was dragging..   

My repeated tries to get away for a few days of rest and relaxation?--thwarted!  So, I took a vacation from social media and spent a little time listening to my life (and body). 

What I discovered was over-commitment and way too high of self-imposed expectations for any mere mortal.

You may know this feeling well.

I did not simply need a week away from my everyday life, I needed to change the rhythm of my life every day!  

That became (and is) my prayer this month: to return to the "unforced rhythms of grace" that Jesus speaks of in Matthew 11.  

With that prayer has come the awareness of how I'm out-of-rhythm:

• Operating out of false urgency (like checking email way too much or working way too late)
• An exaggerated sense of responsibility (leaving my neck & shoulders feeling "the weight of the world" which no one asked me to carry)
• A need to do things perfectly (according to whom?!).  

​Such self-awareness can leave me feeling overwhelmed.  Creating space or learning anew seems like another responsibility.  

A spiritual practice that helps soften the hardness and let go of the heaviness in the moment is writing haiku, a 17 syllable, separated into 5/7/5, poem.  Here are two of the six I wrote last week:

When too many words
Are swirling within your brain
Pour them out in ink

Come, laugh a little
Release the seriousness
Everyone needs play

These simple poems helped me focus my overwhelming feelings into three simple lines revealing my soul's wisdom for the present: Pause, write and play. 

Others revealed practical ways of shifting energy and attention, letting go and opening up. 

Space was being created in me! 
This allowed me to see the gifts being offered, like a friend suggesting a children's book on breathing (scroll down to learn more).

Maybe haiku is something for you, too. 

It reminds me of Jesus' invitation to become like a child (especially when struggling under the weight of being an adult)!

For some of us, Christmas is not experienced as "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year."  

For all who find themselves in this place, my husband, Russ, and I have offered The Longest Night of the Year Service on or around the Winter Solstice.  A friend suggested it to us and after the first gathering in a small, country church over a decade ago, we knew it was something we wanted to continue. 

The service offers a safe space to acknowledge mixed feelings surrounding the holidays, to join together in lament and longing, and to simply step away from the rush of the season and breathe.  

Usually Russ offers only instrumental music during the short, 30 minute service but last year we offered the service via Zoom and he created a video with his only song with lyrics, "Some of Us," on his album, The Longest Night.   

Click on it below, listen and watch.  Perhaps there's an image or lyric that connects with your own lament and longing, something that speaks to your soul.

As to this year, we are offering the service online once again knowing more people can participate this way.  I invite you to join me and a handful of others from Wisdom Tree Collective and Friday Morning Centering Prayer as we allow instrumental music, art from local/regional artists, laments and longings from Scripture, and Creation's own rhythm to companion us in the dark.

Tuesday, December 21st
7:30-8:00pm CT

​Email me for the Zoom link.

With darkness falling earlier, I have looked forward to the growing number of lights as I drive through my neighborhood.  The display increases with each passing day! 
 
Childlikeness, anticipation, playfulness, joy, and magic are part of the season.
So is pressure, overstimulation, exhaustion, loneliness, anger, and grief. 
 
Some years it is more one than the other, isn’t it?  Other times it is a mix.
 
The good news is that God is with us (& found) in both—moments that look & feel light and those that look & feel dark.    
 
Said the Psalmist (139):  
11  If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
          and the light become night around me,”
 
12  even the darkness will not be dark to you;
          the night will shine like the day,
          for darkness is as light to you.
 
Our culture does a good job celebrating God in the light, but rarely guides us to discover God in the dark, especially during Christmastime.  For some, the idea of God seeing us in the dark inspires more fear than comfort!  However, the Psalmist is extolling the wonder of being seen by God, even when he cannot "see" God. 

When all is dark around us, God is still there, within and without.  Do you have the inner eyes to see (& receive comfort)?  Perhaps it is time to let yourself befriend the darkness or rather let yourself be befriended in the dark. 

• As a spiritual practice, try sitting in the dark or looking up into the night sky for an extended time, especially as we near the Solstice, the literal longest night of the year (December 21st).  Become aware of the sounds, the feeling of the room or your natural surroundings, the feelings inside of you.  What invitations do you discover in the darkness?  How is God with you in the dark?     
• Join me for The Longest Night of the Year Service via Zoom as we journey through the darkness together through meditation, instrumental music, art, Scriptural laments, and more.  December 21st from 7:30-8:00pm Central Time.  Email me for the link.  

As I stepped on the shovel, I couldn't help but smile. 

On Sunday, I joined other members from Wisdom Tree Collective as we partnered with Blessed Earth Tennessee, to plant 12 trees at Jones Brummett Elementary School.  Why? 

Wisdom Tree Collective is a nonprofit that I helped co-found this year (after 3 years of planning!).  My main branch of WTC is its School of Spiritual Direction and our very first cohort of students just started their third month of a 2-year online training program to become fulltime Spiritual Directors or bring a Spiritual Direction lens to their current callings.  

I continue to be amazed by those who are going through the program (from around Middle TN; Joplin, MO; and Tacoma and Seattle, WA)  and the Spiritual Directors who are mentoring them! 

While it's a lot of work this first year, as I am developing both the content and rhythm, to say it's exceeding my expectations would be an understatement.  Already I can tell you that I will whole-heartedly send people to each one of our current students for spiritual direction next year.

Back to the trees...

Part of Wisdom Tree Collective's commitment is to give back to the Earth by honoring our namesake and the ways we have experienced and continue to experience Divine Wisdom through trees.  How have trees been a gift to you?  Do you have any early childhood memories associated with trees?  To read some of ours, go here.

For every person who participates in our training program, classes, or retreats, we will plant a tree in their name.  This year we planted 12 trees—9 for each of the students in the spiritual direction program and 3 on behalf of the 3 founders, the 6 spiritual direction mentors, and the Triune Dance of Love in which we find ourselves!  

And Heather Bennett of Blessed Earth Tennessee, found us the perfect location for our first tree-planting day—a brand new school in the Lebanon Special School District here in Wilson County, TN.  She had no idea how much symbolism there was in planting trees around a new school's playground. 

As we dug the holes and planted the Sycamores, Sweet Gum, Tulip Poplar, Red Maple, White Oaks, Live Oak, and Southern Magnolia, I felt a sense of awe.  Both of us are in our first year.  A new elementary school has been planted in our community and trees have now been planted by the new Wisdom Tree Collective's School of Spiritual Direction. 

Looking up at the playground I smiled as I recalled all the times over the years I have talked about "the playground of God" or "the playground of the Holy Spirit" during classes and in spiritual direction.  What a holy surprise!  Clearly God was joining us in celebration on this crisp and sunny day!

Are you interested in joining me for the 2022 fall cohort?  The Certificate in Spiritual Direction Application can be found here.  And be on the lookout for both online and in-person retreats and classes offered by Wisdom Tree Collective next year!

By the way, if you're in the area, let me know if you drive by Jones Brummett Elementary and see our trees.
______________________________________

To learn more about Blessed Earth Tennessee, go here.
And for more information about Wisdom Tree Collective, go here. 

I’m tired, so I’m giving myself permission to not write much this week.  What can you give yourself permission to not do this week?
 
Instead, I'm going to let another voice speak by offering 2 poems from a book I’m revisiting called I Heard God Laughing.  Reading it is like water to my weary soul.  I hope you enjoy these two renderings of the Persian poet, Hafiz, by Daniel Ladinsky.
 
Pulling Out the Chair
 
Pulling out the chair
Beneath your mind
And watching you fall upon God--
 
What else is there
For Hafiz to do
That is any fun in this world!

 _________________________________

Tripping Over Joy
 
What is the difference
Between your experience of Existence
And that of a saint?
 
The saint knows
That the spiritual path
Is a sublime chess game with God
 
And that the Beloved
Has just made such a Fantastic Move
 
That the saint is now continually
Tripping over Joy
And bursting out in Laughter
And saying, “I Surrender!”
 
Whereas, my dear,
I am afraid you still think
 
You have a thousand serious moves.

It had not even been 24 hours since she got the news her cancer was back.
 
Whenever I have a cancellation, I contact those who are on my waiting list to see if anyone wants the spot. 

In October, a person I had not seen for a long while got in touch with me saying she just had a feeling she needed to begin spiritual direction again.  I had no openings but promised I would contact her when one became available. 
 
A couple of weeks later, I happened to have a cancellation and she was able to arrange her schedule to meet with me later in the week.  She had no idea when we set that appointment that she would be sharing news about the return of cancer.
 
Last week I wrote about friends who have terminal illnesses and wake up happy and grateful.  But when the news is fresh, that’s probably not how you’re going to wake up.
 
Scared and angry is more like it.
 
During our session of Reiki and guided prayer, I asked her if she could let God be angry with her about the news she had just received. 
 
“God doesn’t get angry,” she said.
 
“Well then you haven’t read the prophets,” I replied.
 
“Really…” she said with a mix of surprise and sarcasm.
 
“Yes, really, I imagine God damning this prognosis to hell.  I want to yell: God, damn it!”
 
She smiled wryly.  And then her imagination began to unfold and tears mixed with words flowed, as she let God into her anger.
 
Sometimes we wake up happy and grateful.  Sometimes we wake up scared and angry.  God can join us in both. 
 
Both can be holy as we allow God into every part of our lives. 

Even though we may know God is always present, we often live as though God is far off and we are on our own.  Or we might think that God expects us to be hopeful and happy so will wait until we have a bit more gratitude before joining us. 
 
This simply is not true. 
 
The Creator who endowed us with the full-range of human emotions, expects us to express them.   And every single one of them can be pathways to prayer and to the very heart of the One who made us. 
 
Rather than running and hiding through self-sufficiency, self-loathing, or a smile, when the Divine Presence asks, “Where are you?” let’s be honest. 
 
“Here I am!” we can say and then name where and how we really are—angry, sad, scared... 
 
Let God in, for God knows it’s not good for any of us to be alone.  

Two people in my life are facing a terminal illness.  And here’s what else they have in common: gratitude. 
 
Every time I talk to them, whether a simple conversation or in spiritual direction, I am amazed at the depth of their gratefulness. 

Their faces light up. 

It is like their diagnoses gave them new eyes to see life.  And they are overwhelmed by the beauty right in front of them.  Even more so, they are overwhelmed by the peace of God inside of them.  The windows of their souls reflect it in such delightful ways. 
 
“Every day I wake up so happy!” one exclaimed to me (without a single relationship or situation changing in their life).
 
How is this possible? 
 
Much of it is pure gift.  Grace. 

And some of it, I am sure, is because both have done inner work in the years leading up to this moment. 
​
They learned how to listen deeply to God and how to listen deeply to others.  They entered into meditation and mindfulness.  They learned to play and be playful.  They sought out spiritual direction and a precious few others to accompany them along their inner journey. 
 
Now their outer journey reflects what they cultivated within.  Awe.  Humor.  Peace.  Kindness.  Joy.  (Just to name a few)
 
I am honored to be a witness.  They are teaching me a lot.
 
One of their gifts is reflected in the Sufi poet, Rumi's words, “I saw grief drinking a cup of sorrow and said to it, ‘Tastes sweet does it not?’ Grief confessed, ‘You’ve caught me and ruined my business. How can I sell sorrow when you know it’s a blessing?’”
 
If you have no idea how sorrow can be a blessing and if you do not wake up happy, maybe it is time for an inner journey of your own.  There is so much to be grateful for in this life.  

Choices can be difficult. 

Wanting to make the perfect one, I can struggle with “buyer’s remorse.”  It can be about a purchase or any decision I have made or need to make (especially if others are concerned). 
 
Did I take enough time to make the best choice?  What if I didn’t?  Was I right?  Was I wrong?  I will replay the options. 

​Especially if my choice does not please others, I will replay it even more.  Sometimes it can become compulsive, stuck on a loop in my brain.  We all have experienced the stress that comes from obsessive over-thinking. 
 
​Over the years, I have tried a variety of ways to “throw a stick in the spokes” and stop the constant thought-cycle.  The practice of Centering Prayer has been one thing that, gradually, has made a difference.
 
Centering Prayer can be a challenge as one gets to discover all the places the unruly mind wants to wander instead of stay in the present (it is certainly not interested if the present has feelings it doesn’t want to feel!).  As I have grown in acceptance of the brain’s (sometimes bizarre) escapades to do anything but feel reality and rest in God, I have grown in awareness of when I am joining its invitations to run away to the circus of compulsivity.
 
Here are two simple ways of returning home:

1. Whether in meditation or anytime one catches oneself in compulsive thinking, silently and gently say, “Thinking.”  Then as one’s focus detaches from the compulsive thought, silently and gently say, “Trusting.”  This may happen a number of times in a given period.  Notice how the shift feels in your body and mind.  Remember, this is not a reprimand of the mind (it’s simply doing what it does!) but a way of letting go of following it on well-worn paths that never lead to peace.  After practicing this in morning meditation and while on walks, I started becoming aware of it happening in my sleep!  Instead of waking me or keeping me awake, a deeper awareness reminds me even at night to let go and trust. 
2. When I am straining to figure things out, worried about the ramifications of a decision, caught in critique of self &/or others, or chronically dissatisfied or defensive, the moment I notice, I am offered an opportunity to shift gears and directions.  I do not have to continue trying so hard.  I do not have to keep going down circle road.  More thought is not going to solve the situation.  It is time to place the person or the issue in God’s hands.  No matter what kind of tangled mess or dark heaviness it presently looks and feels like, the Spirit of God knows how to hover over chaos and darkness and call forth life.  Once more, I am asked to let go and trust. 

 
The keys to both are patience and gentleness (two indicators or “fruits” of the Holy Spirit as described in Galatians 5:22-23). It may take a while, but with gentle persistence old compulsive paths will be less and less traveled.  And relief will rise with your every return to the pathways of peace.

Or maybe both.

Whatever length, from 90 minutes to 4 days, I always offer these words at the beginning of a silent retreat:  "Some of you have come here to rest, some to wrestle.  You will probably end up doing both and both are holy." 

Many people think the purpose of a retreat, especially a silent one, is to rest.  And that's true...but sometimes what brings rest doesn't feel like it at first. 

The pace of life can leave little time to slow down or stop for a while.  A silent retreat offers one an opportunity to do just that...there's nothing one has to do.  There is no food to prepare, no lawn or children to take care of, no work-related tasks that need to be done...ah freedom!  Slow walks, naps, sitting by a pond, taking time while eating, these can be a welcome change of pace.

But the pace of life can also leave little time to tend to feelings of grief and anger.  A silent retreat offers on an opportunity to do just that...there's plenty of space in your schedule to welcome what has not had time (or permission) to surface. 

For those who have been in survival-mode from one day to the next,  whatever the cause, a cleansing cry may bring the kind of rest most needed.  A prayer walk or talking to a spiritual director about one's anger rather than continuing to hold it in may bring the freedom most desired.  And where better to wrestle than a safe, quiet, and beautiful place of prayer?!  

One retreatant pointed out how the word "rest" is found within the word "wrestle."  Fascinating.  We do not need to fear wrestling, for within it we find rest! 

Is it time for you to come away to a quiet place by yourself to rest and wrestle? 

I've got an opportunity for you!  A couple of rooms have become available for October 28-31, at Saint Meinrad Archabbey in St. Meinrad, IN.   Scholarships are available.  Register here.   

"Make Me an Instrument of Your Peace" is this silent retreat's theme.  And peace may just begin with some wrestling!