What a strange Holy Week! Episodes of vertigo and dizziness have lingered for ten days now.
The kind of vertigo I am experiencing (BPPV) often has no known cause, although it can be triggered by stress. I happened to be stretching my neck at the time. I also happen to be in a season of stress, marked by both positive & negative events.
In this uncomfortable and disorienting place I find myself in, I cannot help but think of that first Holy Week long ago and how that one week stretch must have been so disorienting for those early followers of Jesus! Heads left spinning, wondering what was going on...
From Palm Sunday to Good Friday and then to Easter…to go from what seemed overwhelmingly positive to overwhelmingly negative to overwhelmingly positive again…what a whiplash of a week! The human mind & body can only take so much (as I am being reminded).*
A swirl of activity and inactivity. A dizzying array of events. A murky clash of praise and blame.
Movement at warp-speed through the wisdom pattern of order, disorder, and reorder.
Currently in disorder, I am being forced to slow down, to wait and see. When I don't, here comes the lightheadedness, as my body offers a warning that I am not to interrupt the healing process, so stop and be still.
It feels like the in-between time of Holy Saturday.
When one is trying to grasp what has and is happening to cause such a state, when waves of strong feelings and sensations come and go, exhaustion sets in from the strain.
In such a place, trying harder eventually runs its course and one is invited to surrender. And remember.
It’s usually in looking back that I see the transformation or wisdom gained through a disorienting period of time. Sometimes there is no clarity about a lesson learned or gift given, just an ever-deepening invitation to trust in the healing, transforming presence and slow work of God.
The same was (& is) true of the followers of Jesus.
Holy Triduum blessings to you (even if it feels more like a disorienting rather than a blessed time).
*Allowing for help during overwhelm is important and is part of surrendering (letting go of the "I can do it on my own" mentality). I am grateful for access to healthcare, like a walk-in clinic and a physical therapist specializing in vestibular rehabilitation, a reminder that once well, to find a simple way to encourage such accessibility for others. And I am thankful for the grace & support of my supervisor, counselor, directees, friends and family members.
As I was sitting in silence with someone in spiritual direction, a rendering of St. Francis of Assisi by Daniel Ladinsky, came to mind. I reached over, found the little poem and read it. A smile grew on my directee's face and tears of gratitude began to flow. After ending the silence she said, "Kasey, how did you know I needed that old squirrel?!"
Maybe you need Saint Francis and the old squirrel, too!
I once spoke to my friend, an old squirrel, about the Sacraments--
he got so excited
and ran into a hollow in his tree and came
back holding some acorns, an owl feather,
and a ribbon he had found.
And I just smiled and said, "Yes, dear,
-St. Francis of Assisi,
rendering by Daniel Ladinsky,
Love Poems from God: Twelve Sacred Voices from the East and West
Light your candles tonight for the Light is coming.
Christmas decorations come down in our house after Epiphany on January 6th, but the candles in our windows remain through February 2nd. Most may know February 2nd as Groundhog Day yet in the Christian tradition, it is Candlemas.
Before Candlemas, ancient religions recognized this time as the midpoint of Winter and celebrated rituals in anticipation of the return of the light. These ancient peoples celebrated the bear leaving his den to see if Spring was in the air.
Candlemas replaced the “Cult of the Bear” rituals, becoming one of the oldest Christian festivals, originating in 4th century Jerusalem. Forty days after Christmas, this Feast of the Presentation, celebrates Jesus being presented at the temple 40 days after his birth.
In Luke 2, we read of the holy family meeting an old man and woman in the temple. Simeon and Anna, faithful to God, recognized Jesus as the "light for revelation." They had been waiting and praying, hoping to witness the arrival of the Light. Upon seeing him, they gave thanks for this Light that had now come into the world.
Rhythms of nature and rituals of ancient peoples combined when German Christians used to say if badgers saw their shadow on Candlemas Day there would be more Winter. Sound familiar? As Germans moved to the United States, the badger was replaced by the groundhog.
Whether literal or metaphorical, we all long for the return of the light after a long, dark Winter. The story of Jesus and these age-old celebrations remind us that, sooner or later, the Light will come again.
May you light your candle in hope of this (& your) resurrection.
By the end of December, I was exhausted. The joy of journeying with the first cohort in Wisdom Tree Collective's School of Spiritual Direction (more about that next month!), was overshadowed by a deep weariness. And I was dragging..
My repeated tries to get away for a few days of rest and relaxation?--thwarted! So, I took a vacation from social media and spent a little time listening to my life (and body).
What I discovered was over-commitment and way too high of self-imposed expectations for any mere mortal.
You may know this feeling well.
I did not simply need a week away from my everyday life, I needed to change the rhythm of my life every day!
That became (and is) my prayer this month: to return to the "unforced rhythms of grace" that Jesus speaks of in Matthew 11.
With that prayer has come the awareness of how I'm out-of-rhythm:
Such self-awareness can leave me feeling overwhelmed. Creating space or learning anew seems like another responsibility.
A spiritual practice that helps soften the hardness and let go of the heaviness in the moment is writing haiku, a 17 syllable, separated into 5/7/5, poem. Here are two of the six I wrote last week:
When too many words
Are swirling within your brain
Pour them out in ink
Come, laugh a little
Release the seriousness
Everyone needs play
These simple poems helped me focus my overwhelming feelings into three simple lines revealing my soul's wisdom for the present: Pause, write and play.
Others revealed practical ways of shifting energy and attention, letting go and opening up.
Space was being created in me!
This allowed me to see the gifts being offered, like a friend suggesting a children's book on breathing (scroll down to learn more).
Maybe haiku is something for you, too.
It reminds me of Jesus' invitation to become like a child (especially when struggling under the weight of being an adult)!
For some of us, Christmas is not experienced as "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year."
For all who find themselves in this place, my husband, Russ, and I have offered The Longest Night of the Year Service on or around the Winter Solstice. A friend suggested it to us and after the first gathering in a small, country church over a decade ago, we knew it was something we wanted to continue.
The service offers a safe space to acknowledge mixed feelings surrounding the holidays, to join together in lament and longing, and to simply step away from the rush of the season and breathe.
Usually Russ offers only instrumental music during the short, 30 minute service but last year we offered the service via Zoom and he created a video with his only song with lyrics, "Some of Us," on his album, The Longest Night.
Click on it below, listen and watch. Perhaps there's an image or lyric that connects with your own lament and longing, something that speaks to your soul.
As to this year, we are offering the service online once again knowing more people can participate this way. I invite you to join me and a handful of others from Wisdom Tree Collective and Friday Morning Centering Prayer as we allow instrumental music, art from local/regional artists, laments and longings from Scripture, and Creation's own rhythm to companion us in the dark.
Tuesday, December 21st
Email me for the Zoom link.
With darkness falling earlier, I have looked forward to the growing number of lights as I drive through my neighborhood. The display increases with each passing day!
Childlikeness, anticipation, playfulness, joy, and magic are part of the season.
So is pressure, overstimulation, exhaustion, loneliness, anger, and grief.
Some years it is more one than the other, isn’t it? Other times it is a mix.
The good news is that God is with us (& found) in both—moments that look & feel light and those that look & feel dark.
Said the Psalmist (139):
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Our culture does a good job celebrating God in the light, but rarely guides us to discover God in the dark, especially during Christmastime. For some, the idea of God seeing us in the dark inspires more fear than comfort! However, the Psalmist is extolling the wonder of being seen by God, even when he cannot "see" God.
When all is dark around us, God is still there, within and without. Do you have the inner eyes to see (& receive comfort)? Perhaps it is time to let yourself befriend the darkness or rather let yourself be befriended in the dark.
As I stepped on the shovel, I couldn't help but smile.
On Sunday, I joined other members from Wisdom Tree Collective as we partnered with Blessed Earth Tennessee, to plant 12 trees at Jones Brummett Elementary School. Why?
Wisdom Tree Collective is a nonprofit that I helped co-found this year (after 3 years of planning!). My main branch of WTC is its School of Spiritual Direction and our very first cohort of students just started their third month of a 2-year online training program to become fulltime Spiritual Directors or bring a Spiritual Direction lens to their current callings.
I continue to be amazed by those who are going through the program (from around Middle TN; Joplin, MO; and Tacoma and Seattle, WA) and the Spiritual Directors who are mentoring them!
While it's a lot of work this first year, as I am developing both the content and rhythm, to say it's exceeding my expectations would be an understatement. Already I can tell you that I will whole-heartedly send people to each one of our current students for spiritual direction next year.
Back to the trees...
Part of Wisdom Tree Collective's commitment is to give back to the Earth by honoring our namesake and the ways we have experienced and continue to experience Divine Wisdom through trees. How have trees been a gift to you? Do you have any early childhood memories associated with trees? To read some of ours, go here.
For every person who participates in our training program, classes, or retreats, we will plant a tree in their name. This year we planted 12 trees—9 for each of the students in the spiritual direction program and 3 on behalf of the 3 founders, the 6 spiritual direction mentors, and the Triune Dance of Love in which we find ourselves!
And Heather Bennett of Blessed Earth Tennessee, found us the perfect location for our first tree-planting day—a brand new school in the Lebanon Special School District here in Wilson County, TN. She had no idea how much symbolism there was in planting trees around a new school's playground.
As we dug the holes and planted the Sycamores, Sweet Gum, Tulip Poplar, Red Maple, White Oaks, Live Oak, and Southern Magnolia, I felt a sense of awe. Both of us are in our first year. A new elementary school has been planted in our community and trees have now been planted by the new Wisdom Tree Collective's School of Spiritual Direction.
Looking up at the playground I smiled as I recalled all the times over the years I have talked about "the playground of God" or "the playground of the Holy Spirit" during classes and in spiritual direction. What a holy surprise! Clearly God was joining us in celebration on this crisp and sunny day!
Are you interested in joining me for the 2022 fall cohort? The Certificate in Spiritual Direction Application can be found here. And be on the lookout for both online and in-person retreats and classes offered by Wisdom Tree Collective next year!
By the way, if you're in the area, let me know if you drive by Jones Brummett Elementary and see our trees.
To learn more about Blessed Earth Tennessee, go here.
And for more information about Wisdom Tree Collective, go here.
I’m tired, so I’m giving myself permission to not write much this week. What can you give yourself permission to not do this week?
Instead, I'm going to let another voice speak by offering 2 poems from a book I’m revisiting called I Heard God Laughing. Reading it is like water to my weary soul. I hope you enjoy these two renderings of the Persian poet, Hafiz, by Daniel Ladinsky.
Pulling Out the Chair
Pulling out the chair
Beneath your mind
And watching you fall upon God--
What else is there
For Hafiz to do
That is any fun in this world!
Tripping Over Joy
What is the difference
Between your experience of Existence
And that of a saint?
The saint knows
That the spiritual path
Is a sublime chess game with God
And that the Beloved
Has just made such a Fantastic Move
That the saint is now continually
Tripping over Joy
And bursting out in Laughter
And saying, “I Surrender!”
Whereas, my dear,
I am afraid you still think
You have a thousand serious moves.
It had not even been 24 hours since she got the news her cancer was back.
Whenever I have a cancellation, I contact those who are on my waiting list to see if anyone wants the spot.
In October, a person I had not seen for a long while got in touch with me saying she just had a feeling she needed to begin spiritual direction again. I had no openings but promised I would contact her when one became available.
A couple of weeks later, I happened to have a cancellation and she was able to arrange her schedule to meet with me later in the week. She had no idea when we set that appointment that she would be sharing news about the return of cancer.
Last week I wrote about friends who have terminal illnesses and wake up happy and grateful. But when the news is fresh, that’s probably not how you’re going to wake up.
Scared and angry is more like it.
During our session of Reiki and guided prayer, I asked her if she could let God be angry with her about the news she had just received.
“God doesn’t get angry,” she said.
“Well then you haven’t read the prophets,” I replied.
“Really…” she said with a mix of surprise and sarcasm.
“Yes, really, I imagine God damning this prognosis to hell. I want to yell: God, damn it!”
She smiled wryly. And then her imagination began to unfold and tears mixed with words flowed, as she let God into her anger.
Sometimes we wake up happy and grateful. Sometimes we wake up scared and angry. God can join us in both.
Both can be holy as we allow God into every part of our lives.
Even though we may know God is always present, we often live as though God is far off and we are on our own. Or we might think that God expects us to be hopeful and happy so will wait until we have a bit more gratitude before joining us.
This simply is not true.
The Creator who endowed us with the full-range of human emotions, expects us to express them. And every single one of them can be pathways to prayer and to the very heart of the One who made us.
Rather than running and hiding through self-sufficiency, self-loathing, or a smile, when the Divine Presence asks, “Where are you?” let’s be honest.
“Here I am!” we can say and then name where and how we really are—angry, sad, scared...
Let God in, for God knows it’s not good for any of us to be alone.
Two people in my life are facing a terminal illness. And here’s what else they have in common: gratitude.
Every time I talk to them, whether a simple conversation or in spiritual direction, I am amazed at the depth of their gratefulness.
Their faces light up.
It is like their diagnoses gave them new eyes to see life. And they are overwhelmed by the beauty right in front of them. Even more so, they are overwhelmed by the peace of God inside of them. The windows of their souls reflect it in such delightful ways.
“Every day I wake up so happy!” one exclaimed to me (without a single relationship or situation changing in their life).
How is this possible?
Much of it is pure gift. Grace.
And some of it, I am sure, is because both have done inner work in the years leading up to this moment.
They learned how to listen deeply to God and how to listen deeply to others. They entered into meditation and mindfulness. They learned to play and be playful. They sought out spiritual direction and a precious few others to accompany them along their inner journey.
Now their outer journey reflects what they cultivated within. Awe. Humor. Peace. Kindness. Joy. (Just to name a few)
I am honored to be a witness. They are teaching me a lot.
One of their gifts is reflected in the Sufi poet, Rumi's words, “I saw grief drinking a cup of sorrow and said to it, ‘Tastes sweet does it not?’ Grief confessed, ‘You’ve caught me and ruined my business. How can I sell sorrow when you know it’s a blessing?’”
If you have no idea how sorrow can be a blessing and if you do not wake up happy, maybe it is time for an inner journey of your own. There is so much to be grateful for in this life.
Kasey is a scarf, ball and club juggling spiritual director just outside of Nashville, TN. Play helps her Type-A, Enneagram 1 personality relax, creating space for poetry and other words to emerge. She also likes playing with theological ideas like perichoresis, and all the ways we're invited into this Triune dance.